In Shocking Move Gavel Covers Former Editor Domino

EAGLE'S NEST - Friday - In a stunning upset to the campaigns of Mike Joyce and Justin Portes and Mike Kitlas and Jill Long, The Gavel featured videos of only former editor Nick Domino and his running-mate Katrina Lutfy.

"This is really a psychological blow to the rest of us," said also-running David Lalonde. "The Gavel, or Gavel Media, I should say, is one of the most visited student web sites and respected forums for democratic dissent. Domino-Lutfy's prominent flash-mob feature will sway the hearts and minds of thousands of undergrads."

Domino, who served as an editor for a year at the "progressive news source of Boston College," lists one of his major campus accomplishments as completing the newspaper's resource guide.

Tue Tran, former Gavel editor-in-chief, explains Domino's commitment.

"Nick was assigned portions of the writing guide and turned them in on time at the requested length," he said. "Only minor editing was necessary."

The Register was unable to obtain a copy of the Resource Guide, which likely has not yet been printed.

The videos featured a "flash mob" of people who had just happened to be wearing Think Big t-shirts, incidentally were sitting around Eagle's Nest in McElroy at the same time, and stumbled into an accidentally choreographed musical number that surprisingly did not feature Piano Guy Denny Carr A&S '11.

Some voters supported the flash dance party.

"Although at first I thought window advertising was really really important, I've switched my support in light of the hard-hitting, issue-oriented stunt," said Christine LeMieux, CSOM '14.

Others were not so enthused.

"While I appreciated the steering wheel like motions from Domino and company, I thought six or seven girls in the back were clearly out of tempo," said DeShawn Robinson, A&S '12, a member of Sexual Chocolate.

Mike Joyce Working on Great-Grandfather's Unfinished Ulysses Sequel

Mike Joyce is putting a postmodern spin on this Irish delight

DUBLIN - After an eye-opening return to his roots during a semester abroad in the fall, UGBC presidential candidate Mike Joyce has taken up his great-grandfather James Joyce's last will and testament: completion of a work that will change the face of literature forever.

The novel, under working title 2 Ulysses 2 Furious, currently stands at over 1400 pages, sources say. The Register obtained a manuscript and was able to sit down with Joyce to get into the author's head.

"The central theme of the novel is really formation of the whole person," Joyce said. "How is it that we come to know who we are and our place in the world?" he asked.

Continuing from where his ancestor left off, Mike takes Bloom on a new journey.

"The story is about a man who walks through a dorm over the course of a single day and the various characters he runs into on his quest for electoral supremacy," he said. "But the perspective shifts from Bloom to the people he encounters, even jumping to stationary objects."

Joyce is in the early stages of mastering James' unique writing style. One line, from chapter 15, "Ignatius," reads, "Flippity floppity schhlip schloping all over the place, yes i will no not today but maybe some other time but what about gum gummy gummies humbug gummy worms gummy bears bare dare or truth in the woods." Clearly, he's carrying on the family business.

Joyce is also planning other rewrites where he thinks James got it wrong. Anticipated releases include Duchesners, An Agora Photo of the Artist as a Young Man, and Gasson's Wake.

When asked about how his creative ambitions might conflict with his campaign, Joyce muttered something about impotence and cuckolding.

Jill Long Gone; Kitlas Names Eisenhower to Ticket of Mike and Ike

Ike

Mike

BOSTON - In a stunning turn of events, UGBC presidential hopeful Mike Kitlas, CSOM '12, dumped running-mate Jill Long A&S '12 for former Supreme Allied Commander Dwight D. Eisenhower, who also served as the 34th President of the United States, to a dream ticket billed "Mike and Ike."


"Jill was a great wingman, but the new ticket reflects a shift in our platform from one of building community to one of Red Rageous and Tropical Typhoon," Kitlas said.

Analysts now predict growing momentum for the campaign, as early polling indicates a still-strong like for Ike.

Specifically, the combination of two of the most experienced candidates in recent memory should serve to persuade voters. Kitlas brought Kid Cudi and LMFAO to campus in the fall and Eisenhower masterminded the D-Day Invasion of Normandy that turned the tides of the largest armed conflict in history. Kitlas was recognized by National Geographic Magazine for Kids as a "National Young Inventor" and Eisenhower was recognized by France with the Legion of Honor for the liberation of Paris from Nazi rule.

Additionally, as executive director of Campus Entertainment for UGBC, Kitlas managed a budget of $230,000 and was the Cabinet Liaison for the Constitutional Convention. As President of the United States, Eisenhower oversaw a $25 billion expansion of the interstate system, deterred the Soviet Union from armed conflict, and used troops to support the integration of the Little Rock Nine.

Kitlas introduced Eisenhower at a rally in Devlin 008, followed by comments from Ike himself.

"Mike really has the leadership in hand to top the other hot tamales out there, but I do want to take a moment to warn students of the lingering dangers of the military industrial complex, which can influence so much of our policymaking," Eisenhower said.

When asked to comment about Mike Kitlas' supposed acceptance of a free dog from a campaign source, Eisenhower declined to comment.

The campaign's promotional candy.

Shepard Fairey Commissioned for Campaign Logos

Fairey's successful 2008 work landed him follow-up gigs with UGBC candidates 

BOSTON - Renowned street artist and Boston denizen Shepard Fairey followed up his successful art in the 2008 Presidential election with stunning vistas for this year's UGBC election. Fairey, most famous for his "Hope" poster of Barack Obama, was instrumental in helping the Kenyan terrorist ascend to the nation's highest elected office, so UGBC candidates were quick to seek out his support.

Mike Joyce and Justin Portes came to Fairey's office at Government Center and he instantly had an idea.

"He said, 'MJ, JP, how about MJP?' And the rest is history," Portes recalled.

But symbolists are divided over the logo's true meaning. Dan Brown, author of the Da Vinci Code, offered his take.

"The strange circle or clock near the bottom of the logo seems related to the two ramrod erections that are about to collide with the motif of Gasson Tower," Brown explained. "We know from archaeological records that the winking circle is a Masonic symbol that designates the bearer as a direct descendant of Christ."

Fairey's work is not limited to the before-and-after campaign of MJP.

"When I 'Think Big,' I think about giant billboards emblazoned with my name," said Nick Domino.

 Fairey explained his inspiration for the work.

"We all know that light bulbs mean great ideas, but what about light bulbs with floating Gassons in them, what does that mean?" he asked. "We also know that light bulbs use electricity, but what about Gs?" he paused for a moment.

"A G plugged into itself - perpetual genius," he concluded.

For his final work, Fairey returned to the neighborhoods that made him famous - the bridges and raw steel of the Big Dig connecting Routes 90 and 93.

"Mike and Jill came to me with their mantra, 'Building Community,' and I couldn't resist," he said. "If there's anything the residents of greater Boston associate with successful community building, it's the longest and most arduous construction project in history that resulted in one decent-looking bridge."

"The Leonard P. Zakim Bunker Hill Memorial Bridge with its two upturned wishbones signify that we can do anything we wish, as long as we invest $14.6 billion over 22 years," Fairey said.

Nader Barred from UGBC Primary Debates

Nader showing his ticket to Elections Committee President Mike O'Hara CSOM '11

CHESTNUT HILL - The candidates for UGBC president and vice president debated in Fulton Hall Sunday night, with two notable exceptions - the Lalonde-Tierney campaign, which never shows up to anything, and the grassroots political movement of Ralph Nader.

Nader, a perennial long-shot for UGBC, collected over 343 signatures from students on campus to earn himself a spot on the ballot. The Elections Committee, however, denied his request to be present at the first primary debate. The AHANA Leadership Council and the GLBTQ Leadership Council, organizations that pride themselves on inclusion, also denied Nader a spot at the follow up debate.

Nader's running-mate, Juan Garcia Lopez III, had harsh words for the Elections Committee.

"Only in America can our corporate government deny access of information to individuals simply because of their political views," he said.

Nader-Lopez supporters gathered on the quad to protest his exclusion and were met with enthusiastic oratory from their spiritual leader.

"What we need is affordable tuition for every student, regardless of their race or background. We need our government to follow through on sexual health initiatives. We need this administration to recognize gay students, respect academic freedom, and implement the Swipe for Safety initiative," Nader said.

But some in the crowd were not thrilled.

"This happens every year in the primaries. Nader splits the ballot with the traditional left-leaning campaign, in this year's case Nick Domino and Katrina Lutfy, to the detriment of all students," said Rowell McAllister, CSOM '14.

"Then we end up with hawkish conservatives like the infamous Al Dea," he added.

Others called the Nader campaign too radical. "What we need is a mainstream politician to make sure that papers get signed and resumes get buffed. What we cannot afford is someone who will challenge the university administration on unpopular agenda items," explained Kristen Tuck, LSOE '14.

Nader adds that he hopes voters will recognize his achievements.

"I went on a service and immersion trip to Ecuador," he said. "Also, seatbelts." □

Noam Chomsky Declares UGBC a "Failed State"

ROBSHAM - Noted linguist and critic of American foreign policy Noam Chomsky gave a speech at Robsham Theater Tuesday night, deriding the Undergraduate Government of Boston College as "authoritarian" and "brutal."

"By any measure, UGBC is one of the least transparent, most repressive student regimes in the greater Boston Area," he said.

Chomsky, the university professor of linguistics at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, traveled with fellow Keebler elf and sociology professor Charles Derber on a tandem bicycle across the Charles River to campus.

Chomsky detailed a litany of human rights violations committed by UGBC, including arms support of Chechan rebels in South Ossetia, the stifling of public dissent in library "quiet zones," and generous subsidies to sweatshops in Lowell, Massachusetts.

"UGBC is not unique from other imperial governments in their deterrence of democracy, but the rhetoric they use to espouse democracy makes it difficult to detect their crimes," Chomsky explained.

"If you do a Google search, you'll find what I'm talking about," he added.

The event, which was sponsored by the Muslim Students Association, concluded with a spirited question and answer section, with handwritten queries picked by the MSA. Questions included "How evil is Israel?" and "Why is Israel so bad all the time?"

Chomsky stressed that students could have a meaningful role in changing their regime, but that the pervasive media biases in  a relatively open society would make it a more difficult fight than that which their Egyptian peers waged against their dictator.