Whitey Bulger's Treasure Buried Somewhere in Mary Ann's

CLEVELAND CIRCLE - A search of the computers of infamous criminal mastermind James "Whitey" Bulger, just days after his arrest, named dive bar Mary Ann's as the site of a treasure trove of narcotics, gold bullion, and Tazo Tea, officials say.

"I guess that's the one place he least expected people to look," said FBI special investigator Thomas Price.

Authorities long suspected the watering hole of containing hidden secrets as a stunning R-O-Y-B-G-I-V rainbow broke just over the roof.

"Looks like the luck of the Irish has run out," Price added as he donned his sunglasses and hummed The Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again."

While the search for the mobster's hiding place was brief, the quest for where exactly his stash lays within Mary Ann's is difficult.

"We've taken apart the entire back wall and so far only found a few suspicious bottles marked 'Puerto Rican Rum' and a few 'sexy firewomen' editions of Penthouse magazine from the 1970s," said Sgt. Daniel O'Malley.

"Which represents the first association of firefighters and pussy in the history of fire or pussy," O'Malley added.

By far the most stunning discovery is the uncovering of an entire family living in the basement of Mary Ann's. 27-year-old Elizabeth Fritzl was kept there by her father, Josef, where he fathered three children with her against her will. None of the children had seen the light of day or encountered a single patron or bartender during their period of captivity. How they survived for seven years is unknown, but the bar's vending machines had been conspicuously empty from time to time, staff reported.

Fritzl, not to be confused with Whitey Bulger. 

While authorities are still piecing together the details of the Fritzl case, their focus is on finding Bulger's hidden gems. Harrison Ford, known for the Indiana Jones series, and Nicholas Cage of National Treasure were called in as special consultants, a move many see as a sign that the Holy Grail may be among the drugs and cadavers.

But that doesn't mean they're not satisfied with the work so far.

"I held up a photo of Jack Nicholson's character from The Departed for like three days in Los Angeles until we finally got the tip," Price said.

The photo that led to Bulger's arrest. 

Youk Mistaken for Sam Adams Guy

BOSTON- After a long hard day of going 1/3 with a walk, Red Sox third baseman Kevin Youkilis just wanted to enjoy an ironic drink at "Who's on First?" remembering brighter days on the other end of the diamond. But things started to go awry when he ordered a Sam Adams Summer Ale, in a tall glass -

"You know, not that blueberry shit," he instructed.

Kevin Youkilis sometimes thinks they're saying "Boooo."

Almost instantly, a group of Metro West 20-somethings three appletinis deep wearing pink David Ortiz jerseys approached him with screams that would make a 1963 Paul McCartney jealous.

"Oh my god! You're that guy from the Sam Adams commercials!!" they exclaimed.

Youkilis shook his head slightly before deciding to just go with it.

Bob Cannon, Sam Adams' master brewer, has personally never seen a Red Sox game. 

"Yeah that's me. Name's Sam," he introduced.

"O. M. G. Just like Sam Adams!!" giggled Jenny McCarthy, 26, of Dorchester.

"What a coincidence," added best friend in the world Alex Smith, 27, of West Roxbury.

"Yeah, you know, we like to have that warm, rich hoppy flavor that's been aged in a barrel made of Brazilian hickory bark for 10 months. Then we pour it over a tingler that releases the aroma of seasoned Bavarian spice balls, and stuff," he said.

Youkilis then rose, slammed his glass over the polished side of the bar, and stormed out. When asked to pay, he replied only "I'm the Greek God of Walks" and walked out of the establishment.

Teammate Dustin Pedroia was barred from entry by a bouncer who instantly knew something was up when the 5'3" ballplayer nervously handed him a Montana license.

MyBC Becomes Autonomous, Commits Widespread Electoral Fraud

CYBERSPACE - My BC, the darling little UGBC election web site of roughly three weeks of age, achieved complete autonomy early Monday morning just before polls opened.

Over the course of the day, the site saw "record" turnout of 12,592 votes, roughly 30% greater than the entire undergraduate student body. Mysteriously, David Lalonde and Ryan Tierney, who were eliminated from the race in the primaries, were beating the other candidates with 90% of the vote.

The Heights received additional reports of questionable campaign practices. Gangs of MJP supporters roamed through O'Neill Plaza in armed brigades. At least 6 orange t-shirts holding AK-47s opened fire on opposition supporters. The Heights endorsed Mike Joyce and Justin Portes earlier in the day.

The attacks come months after Al Dea supporters, released from a prisoner of war camp after being held captive for 15 months, stabbed 2 students in the Mods. 

"Supporters" of Mike Joyce load anti-tank shells into machine guns in O'Neill Plaza, on orders from My BC.

My BC issued a statement claiming responsibility for the attacks, along with demands for its own Facebook account and additional meal plan money from that girl who lives in Cheverus. The site blackmailed supporters into an armed crusade after threatening to remove students' access to the Agora Directory Search.

The web site also displayed apparently racial tactics, requiring AHANA students to take a Mandarin literacy test in order to proceed to the final vote. Seniors complained that the ballots were "too confusing" and "difficult to read."

Elections committee president Mike O'Hara, CSOM '11, reviewing My BC ballots for signs of fraud.

Peter Ward, A&S '11, explained his feelings.

"The web site forced me to open an additional tab, thereby meaning that I could not view the six other open tabs of streaming pornography," he said. "A hands-free voting system is preferable."

Leon Ratz, A&S '11, spoke on behalf of Amensty International in deploring the wave of violence and the efforts to block poll access.

"My BC has acted outside the authority of UN Security Council Resolution 483, a breach that demands immediate retaliation from the Agora Portal - Blackboard Vista alliance," he said. "For peace to prevail, we need a successful disarmament of the site."

As The Register went to print, the ticket of Sawyer-Cox from last election narrowly took the lead.

Mike Joyce Closes Popular Pastry Shop

The lights will go out over Mike's Pastry for the remainder of the campaign.

BOSTON - Monday - As the UGBC election day dawned, Mike Joyce announced a temporary suspension of his renowned baked goods store to devote more time to his campaign.

"My emphasis from the beginning has been a well-rounded individual, but the constant stream of ricotta  has robbed me of the time my constituents are desperately seeking," he said in a prepared statement.

Italian dessert specialist Niccolo Cakiavelli lended an expert's eye to the situation.

"We all love Napoleons, cream puffs, and those little round tarts topped with chopped fruit, but if we don't cut back as Americans we will eat ourselves into oblivion," he said.

One analyst called the move a "mistake" and "likely to backfire" among freshmen, who cling to the famous white cartons with blue script as they make their way home on Saturday afternoons on the B line.

In his tenure as executive pastry chef, Mike Joyce has catered to some of the world's most influential people, including former President Bill Clinton, Bono and the Edge, and United Nations Secretary Ban-Ki Moon.

The move disrupted plans for a possible Top Chef Boston, which was set to air alternatively from Mike's Pastry and one of the seven vaguely Asian cuisine choices inside Quincy Market. Contestants would have to prepare scallops wrapped in bacon and whip up enough servings for a meeting of Appalachia volunteers.

If elected, Joyce pledged to eventually reopen Mike's Pastry in a new location.

"The bottom floor of O'Neill Library is the perfect spot for a franchise branch," he said.

Vitriolic Campaign Rhetoric Ends in Snowballing of 16 Outside Hillside

21 CAMPANELLA WAY - The heated mudslinging of this year's UGBC elections turned frozen as a lone "snowman" unloaded a bag of perfectly spherical snowballs upon Vice Presidential candidate Justin Portes and his constituents, striking 16 in all. Numerous bystanders suffered ice in the breeze, chills, and rosy cheeks from snow shrapnel.

The crazed assasin's snowballs struck Portes and innocent civilians.

"At this point in time, we are all praying that Justin Portes and the other victims will recover fully," said Hannah Wilson, CSON '14. "I have just received word that Justin finished his first bowl of soup and may achieve a normal body temperature within the next few hours."

The slinger, Mike Terzick A&S '13, had a history of unstable wintertime behavior, including angelic snow patterns, erratic ice skating, and erotic snow art. Terzick had uploaded a rambling video on his blog set to 80s music that shows him describing how he built a 7 foot tall veinous male sex organ. Terzick signs his posts with the name "Dr. Snow."

Commentators such as Saul Trugman, CSOM '11, of The Heights opinion page, pointed to heated electoral speeches as the root cause behind the attacks.

"It's totalizing rhetoric that demonizes formation of the whole person and plays to the fears of ordinary students," Trugman wrote. "It's not hard to draw a line in the snow from the defacement of snow piles by the 'artists' of the former Domino-Lutfy campaign directly to the attacks."

Some critics are calling for stricter snow control laws.

"The availability of anyone to pick up the fluffy stuff off the ground and hurl it without restraint is not a freedom or Constitutional right, but an abhorrence to our campus safety," said Colin McTristen, an officer of the BCPD.

UGBC officials say intelligence points to the Revolutionary Government of Boston College as responsible for the attacks.

"The radical, anti-government movement is a known terrorist organization," said Micaela Mabida, UGBC President in a Heights letter to the editor. "We will pursue them to the ends of the earth. We will not tire, we will not falter, and we will not fail," she added.

"The only solution is to take more of our students on Snowjam. We need to play in the snow up there so we can be secure from it here," recommended Pete Wilson, a spokesman for Campus Recreation.

VAG Scratched; Domino Leaves Campaign Trail to Take Position as Assistant Manager at O'Neill Cafe

O'NEILL LIBRARY - Wednesday - Two teams from the UGBC primary elections will be advancing for a showdown in the final election - Kitlas/Long and Joyce/Portes. David Lalonde and Ryan Tierney and their campaign of Vote Against Growth fell short, and students thought Nick Domino and Katrina Lutfy were not as big as originally anticipated.

"Let's face it, VAG dried up when it came to the votes, but we hope the other candidates take our message seriously," said Joe Pasquinelli, the campaign's unofficial spokesman, Heights columnist, and dapper model of gentleman's clothing.

Electoral political scientist and professor May Schlozmin offered her analysis.

"Voters were clear that when given a choice between platform A of sexual health reform, government transparency, and candidates from everyday backgrounds and platform B of dorm walks, continuing programs that already exist, and little to no progress on substantive issues, they preferred the latter," she said.

One of the biggest blows came to presidential hopeful Nick Domino, who thought he was a sure bet with his dreams of library lattes, touchscreen kiosks, and milkshakes in Corcoran Commons.

"For all those who wished to see the boundaries between chic cafe and cloistered academic setting torn down: the work goes on, the cause endures, the hope still lives, and the dream shall never die," he said in a concession speech.

The silver lining for Domino was that Mike Kitlas pledged that if elected, he would appoint his former opponent to oversee the bustling cappuccino machines in the basement of O'Neill Library.

The new and improved nighttime ambiance for Cafe O'Neill.

"Nick has done a lot of great work in the UGBC Senate, from passing the START treaty to limit nuclear weapons and promoting the DREAM Act to allow for bright futures for children of illegal immigrants. He is the most qualified Assistant Manager for the cafe one could think of," Kitlas said. "And he ran a great campaign... for me to poop on!"

A source from the Kitlas-Long campaign said that due to Domino's lack of experience doing any sort of menial labor, the position for cafe manager would be filled by Una, the popular McElroy register lady. 

When asked if he would make a similar pledge, Mike Joyce mentioned that Domino should take the time for a "closer walk with thy Lord" and reflect on his formation.

Candidates Enjoy Meals In Dining Halls, Nearby Restaurants

CHESTNUT HILL - The major presidential and vice presidential candidates for UGBC eat lunch, dinner, occasionally breakfast, and sometimes snacks at dining halls and local places that offer food.

A well-dressed team suggests a night on the town.

Nick Domino and Katrina Lutfy posed for the paparazzi at El Pelon Taqueria, which is directly across Commonwealth Avenue from Lower Campus.

"Some of my favorites include tacos, burritos, and taco specials that come with one additional taco," Lutfy said over a spread of guacamole and tortilla chips.

A spokeswoman for the restaurant, who spoke on a condition of anonymity due to her presence behind the cash register, said that since the candidates were not wearing their El Pelon shirts in the photo, they could not be featured on the wall of customers behind them. Domino countered that the employee could not be a part of the campaign without her Nick Domino shirt.

As the tee-shirt taco deadlock continued, Mike Kitlas and Jill Long were busy with their campaign at a large table in Corcoran Commons.

Lower brought out the tablecloths for their royal guests.

But the sea of maroon and gold was not pleased when headmaster Dumbledore announced that Slytherin placed first in the annual House Cup, and the opposing side of the room erupted in cheers.

"That'll show you!" shouted a jubilant Draco Malfoy.

Suddenly, the world righted itself.

"And, for outstanding bravery in light of difficult elections, I award 250 points to Mike Kitlas of Gryffindor," Dumbledore said, to an approving Rubeus Hagrid.

The tide of crimson and goldenrod danced in approval as the colors of Lower changed from green to red.

Meanwhile, Mike Joyce and 12 of his best friends wolfed down a final meal before the primary elections.

Take this, and eat it. This is my body, and I love it this week.

"Tomorrow I will enter into the Kingdom of Heaven," Joyce proclaimed. "But tonight, he who dippeth his hand into the mozzarella sticks with me shall betray me."

All the students turned side to side.

"Not I," said Justin Portes.

"Nor I," said the girl in the hard hat.

Then, Kyle Iscariot, CSOM '13, took a mozzarella stick and fled the table. He received 30 pieces of silver from a recruiter at Goldman Sachs.

Joyce concluded by raising a pomegranate limeade Odwalla.

"Take this, all of you, and drink it. This is my blood, the blood of the new and everlasting covenant. It will be shed for you and for all so that sins may be forgiven," He said. Then he bowed his head and prayed.

Observers note that the Last Supper had to be held in McElroy because the party of 13 was 5 too many for 2000 Comm. Ave.