Sophomore Includes Entire Resume in Email Signature

Yours truly,

Stephen Williams
Boston College
Carroll School of Management Class of 2013
Operations and Marketing, Theology double-major
Intern, Romney for America 2012
Vice President for Initiation - Sons of Saint Patrick
Treasurer - Boston College Pro-Life Club
Winner of the Rodney K. Davis Award for Humility in Electronic Communications

Alumnus Still On Campus

Chestnut Hill -- Despite having graduated almost 28 months ago, unemployed former student Barry Truck, A&S '10, still finds the time to hang out by himself at the school he attended.

Truck makes the three-minute commute from his off-campus apartment, the same in which he lived his junior year, to his alma mater, a journey that never fails to trigger an emotional reaction.

"I've been gone too long," he said Monday. "This place really brings back memories," he added, before taking up his usual far table in Hillside Cafe and opening his laptop.

Truck had a mediocre academic record, finishing in the bottom 25% of his peers, and aside from a few legendary stories of drinking bravado has little to show for his time at the university. But he enjoys exploring the campus.

"I can't believe they still have this!" he exclaimed, pointing to a particularly offensive epithet he penned on the O'Neill Library stalls his sophomore year. "It's like it was just yesterday I was making fun of that kid," he concluded, shaking his head all smiles.

"The other day I ran into James' [Donovan CSOM '10] little brother Rodney [Donovan A&S '12] who once came over my mod and hooked up with this freshman girl Melanie [Tresten LSOE '12]. Great seeing him again," he added.

The Register contacted Rodney Donovan and one-time crush Tresten, who reported that they still enjoy each other's occasional company but had never heard of Truck.

Truck also frequents the Plex and, on a few misty mornings, climbs the circular ramp up the Beacon St. garage to remember a sunrise that once was.

Popular Cheer Now "Eagles First Down Cunt!"

Alumni Stadium -- Disappointed with a lack of intensity among the Superfans, Orientation Leaders, following Baldwin the Eagle, taught incoming freshman students to cheer "Eagles, first down -- cunt!"

"This rhetorical change screams fury, honor, talent, and talons," said Allen Patrick, CSOM '12, an orientation leader responsible for the new version of the cheer.

"Saying 'bitch' at the end was just kind of flirty and not the right type of word for an aggressive heckling," he added.

OLs said that the cheer applies especially when the football team does something to warrant it, such as when they receive a first down by default as a result of a giving up a touchdown and returning a kickoff.

BC Begins 2015's Class Warfare with Master Plan

Chestnut Hill - Boston College administrators have come under fire from activists who argue that the university's policies for incoming freshman represent the boldest escalation in "a history of class warfare of the many against the few."

"What we need from this university is a commitment to protecting the rights of a minority of students against the tyranny of the majority," wrote Richard Peterson, A&S '12, who was joined by the Carroll School of Management and the Saint Thomas More Society in an Observer letter to the editor. Peterson is a leading advocate for the top 1% of all Americans

"We're being asked to sacrifice our liberties so that a few inner-city graduates can take a handout," he added.

Specifically, the university's need-blind admissions policy targets students whose families earn over $250,000 by making them pay their tuition up front as opposed to over a 30 year period for an ultimately higher sum.

"When you add the $20,000 a year my parents pay for a tailgating spot in the Mod lot, which traditional accounting methods ignore, we're really talking about double taxation," Peterson explained.

President Patrick Leahy, SJ, announced a plan to further curtail the freedoms of its least vulnerable demographic by requiring them to wear salmon-colored shorts for identification at all times.

Boat shoes are also part of the administration's mandated wardrobe. 

The Republicans take particular issue with "forced triples" for students unfortunate enough to land on Upper Campus their freshman year.

"It's forced relocation," Peterson said.

The Register obtained a top secret document, the "Master Plan," with disturbing revelations.

After their freshman year on Upper, the well-to-do will be packed like cattle into a D-line train and moved across town to Brighton, what opponents call a "concentration campus." Though they will live together in a suite, they will be singled out to individual bedrooms with private baths, complete with late-night delivery service from Corcoran Commons dining hall.

Resisters organized themselves into the Sons and Daughters of the Revolution, which struggles for a return to what the Founding Fathers dreamed of: a land in which charity takes the place of legislated socialism.

"Look at Stokes Hall -- do you think it would be coming along so smoothly if it wasn't financed by a donation from the Stokes family?" Peterson asked.

Peterson added that he hopes that by turning the corner on the Forbes' ranking that places BC low in racial and socio-economic integration, the university can avoid the Master Plan's dangerous path.

"If you want better integration, have more job-creating, entrepreneurial students," he said.

An affirmative action policy to increase the number of enterprising students would suffice, he proposed. 

UGBC Follows Hit Lip-Dub Video with Stop-Motion Rendition of "The Vagina Monologues"

Robsham - A year after the Undergraduate Government of Boston College's lip-dub version of Coldplay's "Viva la Vida" went viral,** the group is planning to release another crowd-pleaser, a stop-motion animated production of "The Vagina Monologues."

In contrast to past performances, which relied on actors speaking alone on stage, director Kathryn Chase, CSON '12, wants to take a different angle.

"What if we had the vaginas themselves speak, how would they sound?" she asked.

Working vaginal prototypes. An old vagina, left, and a younger vagina, right.

Using advanced claymation technology from movies such as "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," UGBC artists completed masterful clay vaginas, replete with movable labias and harrowing tales.

Sculptor Richard Edwards, A&S '14, used his past experience building a paper mache volcano to design a life-like episode of menstruation.

"The hardest part is getting the vagina to simultaneously shed its youthful innocence as well as the lining of the uterine walls," he explained.

A UGBC official, who spoke on a condition of anonymity because he swore to uphold the secrecy of the group's next project, indicated that a made-for-TV movie was also in the works. The film, "Men in Black and Yellow," stars president Mike Kitlas A&S '12 as an alien-hunting secret agent and past vice president Pat Raab CSOM '12 as an extraterrestrial who eats freshman girls.



**About 30 minutes after this story went to print, UGBC took the original lip dub video down. This is why the Boston College Register is the most independent news source of Boston College.

Jimmy Fund Plans Walk of Shame

Hickeys or St. Patrick's Day temporary tattoos, either way. 

BOSTON - Facing a decline in the number of participants for the annual Boston Marathon Walk, the Jimmy Fund is planning a new event designed specifically for out of shape but still sexually active college students of the Boston area.

The first Jimmy Fund Walk of Shame course runs from whatever foreign bed you begin your morning, through the grilled chicken line in Corcoran Commons, to the Mod where you lost your phone, arriving finally in your room.

Director Allison Fabian explains the concept.

"Since the physical course will vary for each student, what ties them together is an emotional course, the level of thoughtful regret experienced on the way back to one's own bed. We think the idea of a guilty conscience is fitting for those who choose to participate in their own frivolities while millions suffer every year from cancer," she said.

Entrants must wear the outfit they put on the previous evening. For girls, completing the 8 a.m. walk in stilettos and an ass-flattering skirt is encouraged, though participants may also opt for the subtle "morning mascara" or "sex hair" looks. Wardrobe is less important for men, who can complete the walk with an outward projection of cocky bravado that belies an inward feeling of impotence and lingering hangover, Fabian stated.

Fans who do not get laid will have the opportunity to cast judgment on those who do as they pass through the Mods, up the Million Dollar Stairs, across O'Neill Plaza and the former Dustbowl, to the probable finish line at Cheverus.

Mitibaka Chariot, A&S '13, a transfer student from the University of Kenya-Santa Barbara, has high hopes of setting a course record with what coaches say is the world's briefest twinge of remorse.

Pete Russell CSOM '11 and Kaylee Dougherty A&S '12, far left, are unsure which of them will enter tomorrow.

All missing $20 bills, Veteran's Taxi cab fare, and priceless moments of intimacy will go toward saving lives.

When asked if the Jimmy Fund would want to do this again some time, Fabian declined to take a stance.

"Let's just see where this goes," she said.

Hot Girl Maybe Attending

Mods - With move-in less than a week away, mod resident Jason Maher, CSOM '12, is already planning a massive party to ring in the new semester. With a clever name for his tailgating Facebook event (North by Northwestern) and invitations sent out to 500 of his closest acquaintances, he hopes to have the yard "banging."

Just hours after the event's virtual creation, 353 friends RSVP'd "attending" to the event and 24, including attractive student Jennifer Reilly, LSOE '13, replied "maybe attending."

Maher insists his intentions are "strictly Platonic." 

Maher first met Reilly six weeks into their General Chemistry course, when he finally mustered the courage to approach the blonde with a question about the midterm. Since then, they have run into each other at a party once and sometimes look the other way when passing through O'Neill Plaza.

Nevertheless, Maher has hope.

"I don't want to hook up with her, maybe I just want to get to know her better," he explained.

Upon learning that she may or may not attend his Saturday darty, he sent her a text reminding her of the time and location and encouraging her to come and bring as many friends as she wants.

"You know, maybe she forgot or just thinks I invited her by accident and didn't actually want her there," he rationalized.

The Register obtained Reilly's response by hacking into her cell phone:

"Oh sounds fun! I don't know what my plans are for this weekend yet, but when I do I'll let you know if I can make it," she wrote.

Privately, however, Reilly expressed incredulity at Maher's hospitality.

"Honestly, I know he just wants to get in my pants. He made eye contact with me once and asked me how my summer was going, which can only mean one thing," she said.

Meanwhile, Pat Tooley, A&S '15, the younger brother of one of Maher's friends, is attending and invited six of his freshman, male friends.

As The Register went to print, Reilly texted Maher the following message: "Hey sorry I couldn't make it today, but let me know when you're having another get together and I may be able to stop by!"