Middle Schooler Finds Few Redcoats at Occupy Boston

Only a few of King George III's supporters still occupy the Bay Colony.

BOSTON -- There were few to no redcoats around the encampment of Occupy Boston, according to Tommy O'Malley, a 7th grader at Our Lady of Hope middle school in Dorchester.

O'Malley went with his mother to the tent city, armed with a textbook picture of the Boston Massacre and the story of Crispus Attucks. Unfortunately, only patriots wearing tri-cornered hats were detectable to the naked eye. But O'Malley suspected that there may still be loyalist forces hiding among their ranks.

"Benedict Arnold was a filthy lobsterback after all, so there are probably some here," he said, along with a summary of the Battle of Ticonderoga.

Instead, the setting was similar to descriptions O'Malley read of the first Thanksgiving, held in nearby Plymouth sometime in the mid-1600s. There were almost exclusively white people, sitting around eating vegetables and apparently very disheveled from the difficult process of settling a new nation and combating indigenous peoples.

O'Malley used this depiction of the Boston Massacre to track down the British regulars. 

"It's a very strange language these settlers are using, so it's probably a recreation of the Pilgrim's Olde English. They're also smoking pipes and wearing black clothes!" O'Malley deduced.

Most surprising was a large circular ceremony where several people screamed the words of their leader to the masses. But, O'Malley pointed out, this was probably around the same time as the Salem Witch Trials, so he wouldn't be surprised if a few of those people were burned at the stake.