High School Acquaintances Seen Over Thanksgiving

They never hung out in high school; why start now?

Home -- Several alumni of a local high school were spotted by fellow graduates who once knew them vaguely and still harbor feelings of indifference this weekend, sources say. When the gang reunited at a local bar on Black Friday, catching up and reminiscing over fond memories and warm Pabst Blue Ribbons, they avoided eye contact from the other group that was never really friendly.

"Yea, I saw Tom Johnson and Megan Thomas, but I didn't really want to say hello," explained Joseph McIntyre, A&S '12. "Tom put on a lot of weight since high school," he added.

After bumping into an old member of the "cool kids" while ordering a rum and coke, McIntyre broke down and asked them where they were going to school and if they had seen anyone else from home this break. Additionally, he mentioned it was great to see them again and they should get lunch sometime after Christmas.

Sophomore's Life a Study in Compromise

O'Sullivan wanted to wear his blue shirt, but it was in the wash.

WALSH -- A recent study found the life of Boston College student Kyle O'Sullivan, A&S '14, to be the epitome of compromise.

"The analogy of choosing between a rock and a hard place is expressed no better than in O'Sullivan's melancholy, contradictory existence," said professor Richard Hawkins of the Lawrence Center for Decision-Making.

The panel of experts offered last Tuesday as a recent example of O'Sullivan's less than ideal options. When he got up in the morning, the only thing keeping him going was the hope for a Honey-Q chicken wrap from Corcoran Commons. Unfortunately, upon arrival, O'Sullivan discovered it was not on the menu and instead settled for a Magic Carpet Ride.

That seemed to spiral out of control throughout the week. When O'Sullivan woke to register for classes early Thursday, he was disappointed to find that the one class he really wanted to take, Feminisms, was closed. When his backup option, Peace or War, also filled up, he reluctantly resigned himself to getting Structures of the Universe out of the way.

Things seemed to brighten for O'Sullivan Friday. After receiving a surprise B+ on his history midterm, chatting with his mother for ten minutes, and beating his roommate in Madden '12, he was delighted to receive a text from classmate Melanie Carter, A&S '14, inviting him to a party that evening.

O'Sullivan decided to shower, dress up, and dash on cologne, knowing that Carter's best friend, Katie Thompson, CSOM '14, would be in attendance. The researchers note O'Sullivan's long-term crush for Thompson.

But when he arrived at the party, Thompson was already in the arms of another man. O'Sullivan wandered about for a bit making conversation and halfheartedly sipping on a lukewarm Natural Ice, occasionally glancing over at Thompson. Rallying himself, he struck up conversion with Sophia Pomillo, A&S '15, who was less attractive and not as funny as his true crush.

As he settled down Sunday afternoon to take stock of his life, O'Sullivan flipped on the television hoping to catch the Ravens game, but was instead stuck watching the Bengals.

In Focus: Noam Chomsky's Only Sweater

Chomsky's Homecoming pre-game lecture, Nov. 11, 2011.

Chomsky sporting a slightly different sweater at Robsham, Feb. 9, 2011.

Chomsky looking very 2011 at the Irish Hall, Feb. 12, 2009.

BC Students for Sexual Health Rarely Have Sex

A typical BCSSH Friday night, alone.

Chestnut Hill -- Though Boston College Students for Sexual Health provide their peers with condoms, members note that the best method for protection against unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases is abstinence, which they practice.

"We're probably more consistent than the Bible pushing whores on campus," said Kristin Portabee, A&S '14. "It's really not fair when you think about [how they get laid more frequently than we do]."

Portabee said an ideal date would be a cool concert followed by an informative perusing of contraceptive brochures and a vigorous session of solo masturbation at night's end. But an ideal date would also have a partner, which for the moment is strictly hypothetical, Portabee added.

Despite their light resume of fornication, BCSSH members keep drawers full of dental dams and diaphragms in the hope of shagging Prince or Princess Charming. The club offers "Safe Sites," an underground den where anything goes except nudity for their benefit. Students feeling horny can stop by and pick up some free prophylactics when in a crunch, instead of the arduous commute to the 24/7 City Convenience.

Will Burns, A&S '15, explained that Safe Sites attracted him to join the organization.

"I thought, man, if I'm giving out condoms what a great way to get girls down to smooch into my bed," he explained. "I didn't predict that many of them already had partners in mind when they knocked on my door," he added regretfully.

Still, the group is finding other ways to get out the message and hopefully get some numbers. They offer a service for parties in which they provide solo cups, a box of flavored condoms, and fliers in return for an invitation to the party.

But for now, the club has safe sex, and their sex lives, firmly in hand.

The telling BCSSH logo reads "SOS."

Middle Schooler Finds Few Redcoats at Occupy Boston

Only a few of King George III's supporters still occupy the Bay Colony.

BOSTON -- There were few to no redcoats around the encampment of Occupy Boston, according to Tommy O'Malley, a 7th grader at Our Lady of Hope middle school in Dorchester.

O'Malley went with his mother to the tent city, armed with a textbook picture of the Boston Massacre and the story of Crispus Attucks. Unfortunately, only patriots wearing tri-cornered hats were detectable to the naked eye. But O'Malley suspected that there may still be loyalist forces hiding among their ranks.

"Benedict Arnold was a filthy lobsterback after all, so there are probably some here," he said, along with a summary of the Battle of Ticonderoga.

Instead, the setting was similar to descriptions O'Malley read of the first Thanksgiving, held in nearby Plymouth sometime in the mid-1600s. There were almost exclusively white people, sitting around eating vegetables and apparently very disheveled from the difficult process of settling a new nation and combating indigenous peoples.

O'Malley used this depiction of the Boston Massacre to track down the British regulars. 

"It's a very strange language these settlers are using, so it's probably a recreation of the Pilgrim's Olde English. They're also smoking pipes and wearing black clothes!" O'Malley deduced.

Most surprising was a large circular ceremony where several people screamed the words of their leader to the masses. But, O'Malley pointed out, this was probably around the same time as the Salem Witch Trials, so he wouldn't be surprised if a few of those people were burned at the stake.