MyBC Becomes Autonomous, Commits Widespread Electoral Fraud

CYBERSPACE - My BC, the darling little UGBC election web site of roughly three weeks of age, achieved complete autonomy early Monday morning just before polls opened.

Over the course of the day, the site saw "record" turnout of 12,592 votes, roughly 30% greater than the entire undergraduate student body. Mysteriously, David Lalonde and Ryan Tierney, who were eliminated from the race in the primaries, were beating the other candidates with 90% of the vote.

The Heights received additional reports of questionable campaign practices. Gangs of MJP supporters roamed through O'Neill Plaza in armed brigades. At least 6 orange t-shirts holding AK-47s opened fire on opposition supporters. The Heights endorsed Mike Joyce and Justin Portes earlier in the day.

The attacks come months after Al Dea supporters, released from a prisoner of war camp after being held captive for 15 months, stabbed 2 students in the Mods. 

"Supporters" of Mike Joyce load anti-tank shells into machine guns in O'Neill Plaza, on orders from My BC.

My BC issued a statement claiming responsibility for the attacks, along with demands for its own Facebook account and additional meal plan money from that girl who lives in Cheverus. The site blackmailed supporters into an armed crusade after threatening to remove students' access to the Agora Directory Search.

The web site also displayed apparently racial tactics, requiring AHANA students to take a Mandarin literacy test in order to proceed to the final vote. Seniors complained that the ballots were "too confusing" and "difficult to read."

Elections committee president Mike O'Hara, CSOM '11, reviewing My BC ballots for signs of fraud.

Peter Ward, A&S '11, explained his feelings.

"The web site forced me to open an additional tab, thereby meaning that I could not view the six other open tabs of streaming pornography," he said. "A hands-free voting system is preferable."

Leon Ratz, A&S '11, spoke on behalf of Amensty International in deploring the wave of violence and the efforts to block poll access.

"My BC has acted outside the authority of UN Security Council Resolution 483, a breach that demands immediate retaliation from the Agora Portal - Blackboard Vista alliance," he said. "For peace to prevail, we need a successful disarmament of the site."

As The Register went to print, the ticket of Sawyer-Cox from last election narrowly took the lead.

Mike Joyce Closes Popular Pastry Shop

The lights will go out over Mike's Pastry for the remainder of the campaign.

BOSTON - Monday - As the UGBC election day dawned, Mike Joyce announced a temporary suspension of his renowned baked goods store to devote more time to his campaign.

"My emphasis from the beginning has been a well-rounded individual, but the constant stream of ricotta  has robbed me of the time my constituents are desperately seeking," he said in a prepared statement.

Italian dessert specialist Niccolo Cakiavelli lended an expert's eye to the situation.

"We all love Napoleons, cream puffs, and those little round tarts topped with chopped fruit, but if we don't cut back as Americans we will eat ourselves into oblivion," he said.

One analyst called the move a "mistake" and "likely to backfire" among freshmen, who cling to the famous white cartons with blue script as they make their way home on Saturday afternoons on the B line.

In his tenure as executive pastry chef, Mike Joyce has catered to some of the world's most influential people, including former President Bill Clinton, Bono and the Edge, and United Nations Secretary Ban-Ki Moon.

The move disrupted plans for a possible Top Chef Boston, which was set to air alternatively from Mike's Pastry and one of the seven vaguely Asian cuisine choices inside Quincy Market. Contestants would have to prepare scallops wrapped in bacon and whip up enough servings for a meeting of Appalachia volunteers.

If elected, Joyce pledged to eventually reopen Mike's Pastry in a new location.

"The bottom floor of O'Neill Library is the perfect spot for a franchise branch," he said.

Vitriolic Campaign Rhetoric Ends in Snowballing of 16 Outside Hillside

21 CAMPANELLA WAY - The heated mudslinging of this year's UGBC elections turned frozen as a lone "snowman" unloaded a bag of perfectly spherical snowballs upon Vice Presidential candidate Justin Portes and his constituents, striking 16 in all. Numerous bystanders suffered ice in the breeze, chills, and rosy cheeks from snow shrapnel.

The crazed assasin's snowballs struck Portes and innocent civilians.

"At this point in time, we are all praying that Justin Portes and the other victims will recover fully," said Hannah Wilson, CSON '14. "I have just received word that Justin finished his first bowl of soup and may achieve a normal body temperature within the next few hours."

The slinger, Mike Terzick A&S '13, had a history of unstable wintertime behavior, including angelic snow patterns, erratic ice skating, and erotic snow art. Terzick had uploaded a rambling video on his blog set to 80s music that shows him describing how he built a 7 foot tall veinous male sex organ. Terzick signs his posts with the name "Dr. Snow."

Commentators such as Saul Trugman, CSOM '11, of The Heights opinion page, pointed to heated electoral speeches as the root cause behind the attacks.

"It's totalizing rhetoric that demonizes formation of the whole person and plays to the fears of ordinary students," Trugman wrote. "It's not hard to draw a line in the snow from the defacement of snow piles by the 'artists' of the former Domino-Lutfy campaign directly to the attacks."

Some critics are calling for stricter snow control laws.

"The availability of anyone to pick up the fluffy stuff off the ground and hurl it without restraint is not a freedom or Constitutional right, but an abhorrence to our campus safety," said Colin McTristen, an officer of the BCPD.

UGBC officials say intelligence points to the Revolutionary Government of Boston College as responsible for the attacks.

"The radical, anti-government movement is a known terrorist organization," said Micaela Mabida, UGBC President in a Heights letter to the editor. "We will pursue them to the ends of the earth. We will not tire, we will not falter, and we will not fail," she added.

"The only solution is to take more of our students on Snowjam. We need to play in the snow up there so we can be secure from it here," recommended Pete Wilson, a spokesman for Campus Recreation.

VAG Scratched; Domino Leaves Campaign Trail to Take Position as Assistant Manager at O'Neill Cafe

O'NEILL LIBRARY - Wednesday - Two teams from the UGBC primary elections will be advancing for a showdown in the final election - Kitlas/Long and Joyce/Portes. David Lalonde and Ryan Tierney and their campaign of Vote Against Growth fell short, and students thought Nick Domino and Katrina Lutfy were not as big as originally anticipated.

"Let's face it, VAG dried up when it came to the votes, but we hope the other candidates take our message seriously," said Joe Pasquinelli, the campaign's unofficial spokesman, Heights columnist, and dapper model of gentleman's clothing.

Electoral political scientist and professor May Schlozmin offered her analysis.

"Voters were clear that when given a choice between platform A of sexual health reform, government transparency, and candidates from everyday backgrounds and platform B of dorm walks, continuing programs that already exist, and little to no progress on substantive issues, they preferred the latter," she said.

One of the biggest blows came to presidential hopeful Nick Domino, who thought he was a sure bet with his dreams of library lattes, touchscreen kiosks, and milkshakes in Corcoran Commons.

"For all those who wished to see the boundaries between chic cafe and cloistered academic setting torn down: the work goes on, the cause endures, the hope still lives, and the dream shall never die," he said in a concession speech.

The silver lining for Domino was that Mike Kitlas pledged that if elected, he would appoint his former opponent to oversee the bustling cappuccino machines in the basement of O'Neill Library.

The new and improved nighttime ambiance for Cafe O'Neill.

"Nick has done a lot of great work in the UGBC Senate, from passing the START treaty to limit nuclear weapons and promoting the DREAM Act to allow for bright futures for children of illegal immigrants. He is the most qualified Assistant Manager for the cafe one could think of," Kitlas said. "And he ran a great campaign... for me to poop on!"

A source from the Kitlas-Long campaign said that due to Domino's lack of experience doing any sort of menial labor, the position for cafe manager would be filled by Una, the popular McElroy register lady. 

When asked if he would make a similar pledge, Mike Joyce mentioned that Domino should take the time for a "closer walk with thy Lord" and reflect on his formation.

Candidates Enjoy Meals In Dining Halls, Nearby Restaurants

CHESTNUT HILL - The major presidential and vice presidential candidates for UGBC eat lunch, dinner, occasionally breakfast, and sometimes snacks at dining halls and local places that offer food.

A well-dressed team suggests a night on the town.

Nick Domino and Katrina Lutfy posed for the paparazzi at El Pelon Taqueria, which is directly across Commonwealth Avenue from Lower Campus.

"Some of my favorites include tacos, burritos, and taco specials that come with one additional taco," Lutfy said over a spread of guacamole and tortilla chips.

A spokeswoman for the restaurant, who spoke on a condition of anonymity due to her presence behind the cash register, said that since the candidates were not wearing their El Pelon shirts in the photo, they could not be featured on the wall of customers behind them. Domino countered that the employee could not be a part of the campaign without her Nick Domino shirt.

As the tee-shirt taco deadlock continued, Mike Kitlas and Jill Long were busy with their campaign at a large table in Corcoran Commons.

Lower brought out the tablecloths for their royal guests.

But the sea of maroon and gold was not pleased when headmaster Dumbledore announced that Slytherin placed first in the annual House Cup, and the opposing side of the room erupted in cheers.

"That'll show you!" shouted a jubilant Draco Malfoy.

Suddenly, the world righted itself.

"And, for outstanding bravery in light of difficult elections, I award 250 points to Mike Kitlas of Gryffindor," Dumbledore said, to an approving Rubeus Hagrid.

The tide of crimson and goldenrod danced in approval as the colors of Lower changed from green to red.

Meanwhile, Mike Joyce and 12 of his best friends wolfed down a final meal before the primary elections.

Take this, and eat it. This is my body, and I love it this week.

"Tomorrow I will enter into the Kingdom of Heaven," Joyce proclaimed. "But tonight, he who dippeth his hand into the mozzarella sticks with me shall betray me."

All the students turned side to side.

"Not I," said Justin Portes.

"Nor I," said the girl in the hard hat.

Then, Kyle Iscariot, CSOM '13, took a mozzarella stick and fled the table. He received 30 pieces of silver from a recruiter at Goldman Sachs.

Joyce concluded by raising a pomegranate limeade Odwalla.

"Take this, all of you, and drink it. This is my blood, the blood of the new and everlasting covenant. It will be shed for you and for all so that sins may be forgiven," He said. Then he bowed his head and prayed.

Observers note that the Last Supper had to be held in McElroy because the party of 13 was 5 too many for 2000 Comm. Ave.

In Shocking Move Gavel Covers Former Editor Domino

EAGLE'S NEST - Friday - In a stunning upset to the campaigns of Mike Joyce and Justin Portes and Mike Kitlas and Jill Long, The Gavel featured videos of only former editor Nick Domino and his running-mate Katrina Lutfy.

"This is really a psychological blow to the rest of us," said also-running David Lalonde. "The Gavel, or Gavel Media, I should say, is one of the most visited student web sites and respected forums for democratic dissent. Domino-Lutfy's prominent flash-mob feature will sway the hearts and minds of thousands of undergrads."

Domino, who served as an editor for a year at the "progressive news source of Boston College," lists one of his major campus accomplishments as completing the newspaper's resource guide.

Tue Tran, former Gavel editor-in-chief, explains Domino's commitment.

"Nick was assigned portions of the writing guide and turned them in on time at the requested length," he said. "Only minor editing was necessary."

The Register was unable to obtain a copy of the Resource Guide, which likely has not yet been printed.

The videos featured a "flash mob" of people who had just happened to be wearing Think Big t-shirts, incidentally were sitting around Eagle's Nest in McElroy at the same time, and stumbled into an accidentally choreographed musical number that surprisingly did not feature Piano Guy Denny Carr A&S '11.

Some voters supported the flash dance party.

"Although at first I thought window advertising was really really important, I've switched my support in light of the hard-hitting, issue-oriented stunt," said Christine LeMieux, CSOM '14.

Others were not so enthused.

"While I appreciated the steering wheel like motions from Domino and company, I thought six or seven girls in the back were clearly out of tempo," said DeShawn Robinson, A&S '12, a member of Sexual Chocolate.

Mike Joyce Working on Great-Grandfather's Unfinished Ulysses Sequel

Mike Joyce is putting a postmodern spin on this Irish delight

DUBLIN - After an eye-opening return to his roots during a semester abroad in the fall, UGBC presidential candidate Mike Joyce has taken up his great-grandfather James Joyce's last will and testament: completion of a work that will change the face of literature forever.

The novel, under working title 2 Ulysses 2 Furious, currently stands at over 1400 pages, sources say. The Register obtained a manuscript and was able to sit down with Joyce to get into the author's head.

"The central theme of the novel is really formation of the whole person," Joyce said. "How is it that we come to know who we are and our place in the world?" he asked.

Continuing from where his ancestor left off, Mike takes Bloom on a new journey.

"The story is about a man who walks through a dorm over the course of a single day and the various characters he runs into on his quest for electoral supremacy," he said. "But the perspective shifts from Bloom to the people he encounters, even jumping to stationary objects."

Joyce is in the early stages of mastering James' unique writing style. One line, from chapter 15, "Ignatius," reads, "Flippity floppity schhlip schloping all over the place, yes i will no not today but maybe some other time but what about gum gummy gummies humbug gummy worms gummy bears bare dare or truth in the woods." Clearly, he's carrying on the family business.

Joyce is also planning other rewrites where he thinks James got it wrong. Anticipated releases include Duchesners, An Agora Photo of the Artist as a Young Man, and Gasson's Wake.

When asked about how his creative ambitions might conflict with his campaign, Joyce muttered something about impotence and cuckolding.

Jill Long Gone; Kitlas Names Eisenhower to Ticket of Mike and Ike

Ike

Mike

BOSTON - In a stunning turn of events, UGBC presidential hopeful Mike Kitlas, CSOM '12, dumped running-mate Jill Long A&S '12 for former Supreme Allied Commander Dwight D. Eisenhower, who also served as the 34th President of the United States, to a dream ticket billed "Mike and Ike."


"Jill was a great wingman, but the new ticket reflects a shift in our platform from one of building community to one of Red Rageous and Tropical Typhoon," Kitlas said.

Analysts now predict growing momentum for the campaign, as early polling indicates a still-strong like for Ike.

Specifically, the combination of two of the most experienced candidates in recent memory should serve to persuade voters. Kitlas brought Kid Cudi and LMFAO to campus in the fall and Eisenhower masterminded the D-Day Invasion of Normandy that turned the tides of the largest armed conflict in history. Kitlas was recognized by National Geographic Magazine for Kids as a "National Young Inventor" and Eisenhower was recognized by France with the Legion of Honor for the liberation of Paris from Nazi rule.

Additionally, as executive director of Campus Entertainment for UGBC, Kitlas managed a budget of $230,000 and was the Cabinet Liaison for the Constitutional Convention. As President of the United States, Eisenhower oversaw a $25 billion expansion of the interstate system, deterred the Soviet Union from armed conflict, and used troops to support the integration of the Little Rock Nine.

Kitlas introduced Eisenhower at a rally in Devlin 008, followed by comments from Ike himself.

"Mike really has the leadership in hand to top the other hot tamales out there, but I do want to take a moment to warn students of the lingering dangers of the military industrial complex, which can influence so much of our policymaking," Eisenhower said.

When asked to comment about Mike Kitlas' supposed acceptance of a free dog from a campaign source, Eisenhower declined to comment.

The campaign's promotional candy.

Survey Finds Window Art Single Biggest Issue

CRAIG'S ROOM - A poll released Friday found that the biggest factor influencing BC students in the upcoming UGBC election is the skill and level of artistry displayed on painted windows on lower campus. The poll, conducted by Craig Matheson’s roommate Tad Berkshire, CSOM ‘13 (who was obligated to perform the poll for his market research class), shows that over 70% of respondents  ranked good window advertising as their biggest electoral concern. The next largest issue was “taste in music.” Rounding out the bottom were “integrity” and the candidate's stances on “financial aid for off-campus housing.”

James Devlin, A&S ’13, said, “UGBC is all about student involvement, and what’s more involved than making our campus more beautiful with paint?”

Freshman Maughn Leehee of A&S found the signs compelling for another reason, “Kitlas-Long have windows with their names on it on both Vandy and 90! I don’t know who those guys are, but they must be a big deal. I’ll definitely vote for them.”

Some students who took the survey cared about multiple issues, and struggled to choose just one. Frank Meyers, A&S ’12 explained, “Well, I’m off-campus this year, and I don't get any financial aid to help me pay for rent and living expense like I did my first two years. I almost couldn't come back to BC just because I don’t have four years of housing, so I would say that financial aid for off-campus housing is one of my most important issues. But have you seen the third floor big window in Vandy facing lower? The way the J swoops in MJP is just so regal! I have to vote for that MJP guy.”

Ricky Spoon, CSOM ’12, one of 17% of students who cared most about the elections implications on next year’s concerts. He remarked “It’s all about the concerts. I swear if they bring back The Fray again I’m going to slam my dick in an oven door.” 

Spoon clarified his message, “Hey UGBC, want to know How To Save A Life? Just get a band that doesn’t suck.”

When asked what these new polls mean for the election, candidate Katrina Lutfy said, “We all knew this was a major issue, but we didn’t think that big about it. Oh, my roommate’s lab partner has a mod that faces the entrance to Walsh, if we could get on some mod windows that’d kill with freshmen boys waiting outside. Do you know a store that sells paint 24 hours a day?”

Presidential candidate Mike Joyce said, “Obviously this is an important issue for students, but we were surprised that dorm walks did not place at all, considering that is basically our entire platform.”

The Register attempted to reach the Lalonde-Tierney campaign for comment, but since they don’t have any windows with their names on them on lower campus, no supporters could be found. 

Shepard Fairey Commissioned for Campaign Logos

Fairey's successful 2008 work landed him follow-up gigs with UGBC candidates 

BOSTON - Renowned street artist and Boston denizen Shepard Fairey followed up his successful art in the 2008 Presidential election with stunning vistas for this year's UGBC election. Fairey, most famous for his "Hope" poster of Barack Obama, was instrumental in helping the Kenyan terrorist ascend to the nation's highest elected office, so UGBC candidates were quick to seek out his support.

Mike Joyce and Justin Portes came to Fairey's office at Government Center and he instantly had an idea.

"He said, 'MJ, JP, how about MJP?' And the rest is history," Portes recalled.

But symbolists are divided over the logo's true meaning. Dan Brown, author of the Da Vinci Code, offered his take.

"The strange circle or clock near the bottom of the logo seems related to the two ramrod erections that are about to collide with the motif of Gasson Tower," Brown explained. "We know from archaeological records that the winking circle is a Masonic symbol that designates the bearer as a direct descendant of Christ."

Fairey's work is not limited to the before-and-after campaign of MJP.

"When I 'Think Big,' I think about giant billboards emblazoned with my name," said Nick Domino.

 Fairey explained his inspiration for the work.

"We all know that light bulbs mean great ideas, but what about light bulbs with floating Gassons in them, what does that mean?" he asked. "We also know that light bulbs use electricity, but what about Gs?" he paused for a moment.

"A G plugged into itself - perpetual genius," he concluded.

For his final work, Fairey returned to the neighborhoods that made him famous - the bridges and raw steel of the Big Dig connecting Routes 90 and 93.

"Mike and Jill came to me with their mantra, 'Building Community,' and I couldn't resist," he said. "If there's anything the residents of greater Boston associate with successful community building, it's the longest and most arduous construction project in history that resulted in one decent-looking bridge."

"The Leonard P. Zakim Bunker Hill Memorial Bridge with its two upturned wishbones signify that we can do anything we wish, as long as we invest $14.6 billion over 22 years," Fairey said.

Nader Barred from UGBC Primary Debates

Nader showing his ticket to Elections Committee President Mike O'Hara CSOM '11

CHESTNUT HILL - The candidates for UGBC president and vice president debated in Fulton Hall Sunday night, with two notable exceptions - the Lalonde-Tierney campaign, which never shows up to anything, and the grassroots political movement of Ralph Nader.

Nader, a perennial long-shot for UGBC, collected over 343 signatures from students on campus to earn himself a spot on the ballot. The Elections Committee, however, denied his request to be present at the first primary debate. The AHANA Leadership Council and the GLBTQ Leadership Council, organizations that pride themselves on inclusion, also denied Nader a spot at the follow up debate.

Nader's running-mate, Juan Garcia Lopez III, had harsh words for the Elections Committee.

"Only in America can our corporate government deny access of information to individuals simply because of their political views," he said.

Nader-Lopez supporters gathered on the quad to protest his exclusion and were met with enthusiastic oratory from their spiritual leader.

"What we need is affordable tuition for every student, regardless of their race or background. We need our government to follow through on sexual health initiatives. We need this administration to recognize gay students, respect academic freedom, and implement the Swipe for Safety initiative," Nader said.

But some in the crowd were not thrilled.

"This happens every year in the primaries. Nader splits the ballot with the traditional left-leaning campaign, in this year's case Nick Domino and Katrina Lutfy, to the detriment of all students," said Rowell McAllister, CSOM '14.

"Then we end up with hawkish conservatives like the infamous Al Dea," he added.

Others called the Nader campaign too radical. "What we need is a mainstream politician to make sure that papers get signed and resumes get buffed. What we cannot afford is someone who will challenge the university administration on unpopular agenda items," explained Kristen Tuck, LSOE '14.

Nader adds that he hopes voters will recognize his achievements.

"I went on a service and immersion trip to Ecuador," he said. "Also, seatbelts." □

Noam Chomsky Declares UGBC a "Failed State"

ROBSHAM - Noted linguist and critic of American foreign policy Noam Chomsky gave a speech at Robsham Theater Tuesday night, deriding the Undergraduate Government of Boston College as "authoritarian" and "brutal."

"By any measure, UGBC is one of the least transparent, most repressive student regimes in the greater Boston Area," he said.

Chomsky, the university professor of linguistics at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, traveled with fellow Keebler elf and sociology professor Charles Derber on a tandem bicycle across the Charles River to campus.

Chomsky detailed a litany of human rights violations committed by UGBC, including arms support of Chechan rebels in South Ossetia, the stifling of public dissent in library "quiet zones," and generous subsidies to sweatshops in Lowell, Massachusetts.

"UGBC is not unique from other imperial governments in their deterrence of democracy, but the rhetoric they use to espouse democracy makes it difficult to detect their crimes," Chomsky explained.

"If you do a Google search, you'll find what I'm talking about," he added.

The event, which was sponsored by the Muslim Students Association, concluded with a spirited question and answer section, with handwritten queries picked by the MSA. Questions included "How evil is Israel?" and "Why is Israel so bad all the time?"

Chomsky stressed that students could have a meaningful role in changing their regime, but that the pervasive media biases in  a relatively open society would make it a more difficult fight than that which their Egyptian peers waged against their dictator.

Candidates Announce New and Improved Version of Same Old Shit

CHESTNUT HILL - February 8 - Amid the cheers and screams of an adoring electorate, candidates for the Undergraduate Government of Boston College presidency and vice-presidency laid out their new and improved platforms around the same old shit.

"We know our shit pretty well so that's what we're going to stick to," said vice presidential candidate Justin Portes, laying out a platform that includes continuing academic advising, having a concert in the fall and also one in the spring, shit like that.

"This is the cornerstone of what we're trying to do - education of the whole person," said Portes' number one man father Mike Joyce, S.J.

"That's like the smartest shit I've ever heard," said one voter, referencing the vaguely Ignatian campaign rhetoric.

"Think big," countered Nick Domino, announcing his presidential aspirations. Rejected slogans included Think Bigger, Think Biggest, Think Enormous.

Domino's partner Katrina Lutfy unveiled some really important shit, such as replacing the underutilized and boring BC to Boston program with a completely upgraded yet almost theoretically identical BC in Boston program.

The Domino-Lutfy campaign would not elaborate on some areas of their platform, which can be found online at their web site. The campaign gives important reasons for choosing them, such as "Did you see our blue igloo on the first day of campaigning?" and "4 huge words: Honest. Unique. Goal oriented. Experienced" (they think so big that extra words creep in there).

The shit really hit the fan when Mike Kitlas and Jill Long took center stage, explaining a ground-breaking platform that includes having more books in the library, placing fliers around the campus, and "creating a better atmosphere for lines" because nobody enjoys that shit anyway.

"I really like going to events, but I hate having to wait for them to begin," Kitlas noted.

Citing a lack of personal music players in the homogenized upper-middle-class Boston suburb, they also recommended playing background music at the Plex.

The campaign of David Lalonde and Ryan Tierney had more important shit to do than start campaigning and received scant attention from the smoke-filled rooms of typewriters at The Heights.

The Gavel plans to meet with the candidates for their next issue, scheduled for June of 2014, or whenever they get around to that shit.□





Inspiration for this story here.

Sexual Health Thing From 2 or 3 Years Ago May Still Be Problem

CHESTNUT HILL - February 12 - UGBC candidates neglected entirely the now infamous 2009 ballot proposition to offer contraception on campus, which passed with an overwhelming 89% of the vote. Instead, they plan to focus their efforts on other longstanding problems, such as how to have fun on weekends and get decent grades.

"Look, it's not like we haven't tried before," said Mike Joyce, who confessed off-the-record that sometimes he fumbles around getting a latex on. "It's just that it's impossible to work with the administration on this."

Mike Kitlas agreed. "We want to manage our expectations. Instead of decriminalizing contraceptives in accordance with popular opinion, we'd like to work on attainable goals, such as getting every student a job right after graduation," he said.

Boston College Students for Sexual Health had little public reaction but for a press release, which The Register obtained via early screening.

"No student, male or female, should have to feel pressured into the rigmarole of crossing the street to City Convenience to purchase condoms for later or immediate use," it read.

But student opinion, though once loud and clear, is now muddled over the proposition.

"I didn't vote for condoms because I didn't vote at all," said Patrick McStark, CSOM 13. "It only passed with 89% of the students who voted. This is an injustice on par with Barack Hussein Obama winning even though the majority of the country did not cast a ballot for him."

"I still have four or five [condoms] from the last time BCSSH stood outside McElroy," said Caitlin Prin, LSOE 14, who apparently isn't getting out much.

Bro Tyler Lagdon A&S 12 saw it another way. "Whateva baby, I've had this one condom that I've been using for like six weeks, crazy ribbing too."

Whatever the outcome of the sexual health referendum, it's clear that students will continue to rely, as always, on their own ingenuity. Senior Barry Chang, who lives in a single in Voute, has been helping out a kid or two from time to time.

"This is what I like to call The Anarchist's Kitchen," Chang said, pointing to contraband items such as solo cups, ping pong balls, empty beer cans, and an industrial-sized box of seductive strawberry, banana twister, and coconut climax condoms.

"Have a safe weekend," he added.□




Lovingly ripped off from here.