Frank Spaziani Signs 2-Year Deal with Red Sox

Spaziani can't wait for more tough press conferences.

Boston -- Former Boston College Eagles football coach Frank Spaziani signed a 2-year, $2.6 million contract with the Boston Red Sox to become their assistant coach, Thursday. The Red Sox, who lost 20 out of 27 games this September, felt they had something to gain from a coach in an entirely different sport whose team will likely go 1-11 this season.

"Frank knows how to take proud franchises with winning seasons and get them off to historically poor starts," said Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein.

"He did manage a win in September, which is something we're looking for," he concluded.

In Focus: Observer Celebrates Hypocrisy with White Forest Cake

Observer Opposed to Designated Hitters, Desegregation

The Observer enjoys pre-1896 baseball rules and pre-Vatican II Catholicism.

Chestnut Hill -- The Observer, Boston College's semesterly opinionspaper, derided the American League and blacks for unfair advantages over the National League and whites, respectively, in its September 20th issue.

"Major League Baseball suffers from a great divide. It is a barrier that was erected in 1973 by the powers that be, and has stood tall and potent ever since," declared Mike Shameklis, A&S '15.

"But 38 years later, the National League still is not free. 38 years later, the life of the National League is still sadly crippled by the manacles of batting ninth and the chains of sacrifice bunts," he went on.

Shameklis argued that both leagues should be judged not by the power of their pitchers but by the content of their cleanup hitters.

Shameless concluded that because of Bud Selig's inability to change the sport, reform could only come from "the ballot or the bullet."

In a change of pace, The Observer also criticized a diversity-themed orientation video and organizations that promote solidarity among minority students.

"Who needs them?" asked Jonathan Linder, A&S '14, referring to "the blacks." 

Linder also describes himself in his biography as "skeptical of modern liberalism’s aspirations to reconstruct the natural inclinations of human beings" or as friends call him, a virgin.

He wrote that it would be absurd if he and his racially exclusive circle of friends were to form a White Student Forum, thus, the blacks should not be forming their own Black Student Union. 

"If the racial and cultural minorities want to be a part of a more homogenous culture, abandoning their clubs of racial and cultural self-obsession would enable us to have a real discussion," he suggested before attending a Sons of Saint Patrick meeting.

Linder also added, "it is absurd that the Black Student Forum has images of its members wearing 'I love black people' shirts. Not an ounce of intrinsic difference exists between whites and blacks."

The Register includes the photos below and as the most independent newspaper of Boston College, will let YOU decide if they are inherently offensive.

"Love thy neighbor, except if they are black," says The Observer to this 2007 photo of Black Family Weekend. 

Do the shirts read "I love black people?" YOU DECIDE!

BYOB Tailgate Sparsely Attended

There was no beer and also one girl in attendance.  

The Mods -- Friends who had high hopes of a blowout pre-game tailgate were disappointed when their invitation for guests to bring their own alcohol fell flat. Instead of following Boston College tradition and offering free Natty and grilling hotdogs and hamburgers, they instead drank beer that other people brought to them. Unfortunately, few Superfans made the trek over to the Mod, which by noon had about four attendees, including two people who did not live there. The hosts are planning a Sunday potluck dinner in which they cook nothing and a tailgate next weekend billed as BYOCH - bring your own corn hole.

Chobani Yogurt Makes Second Headline with This Story

The Heights has stock Chobani photos, just in case. 

Internet -- Chobani yogurt, a semi-popular dairy product among liberal dietary circles, is making its second headline ever with this story, just a few days after its first. The Heights, which prides itself as the independent newspaper of Boston College, included a front-page story about the Chobani Yogurt Recall of Late 2011, which has left thousands of spoiled college students without a key source of food snobbery. Though Chobani will be back on shelves next week, the several-day shortage might very well rank high on a list of historical issues of student concern, including low racial interaction, absence of contraceptives, and skyrocketing tuition.

SEAL Team 6 Captures Al-Qaeda #2 in Copperfield's Raid

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is shocked to see some 20-year-olds with beers.

Fenway -- The Navy SEAL Team 6, which killed Osama bin Laden and more recently suffered extensive losses in one of the deadliest Al Qaeda attacks ever in Afghanistan, turned their attention to domestic terrorism in a midnight raid on Copperfield's Bar. Acting on intelligence that Al-Sharif bin Wazir, the 19-year-old president of the Al Qaeda in America Drinking Club, was enjoying a $9 plastic cup of Natural Ice, 24 commandos surrounded the bar and detained Wazir and a number of his cohorts.

The operation, code-named "Operation Safe Campus" and co-sponsored by the Alcoholic Beverages Control Commission (or NAMBLA), was purported to be an effort to crack down on counterfeit forms of identification and underage consumption of alcohol, but a source who declined to be named indicated that there was simply no way so much attention could be paid to so insignificant of an issue.

"We're fighting two wars, we're still struggling economically, and the budgets of many state and local governments are facing severe cuts," the source explained, "so it's highly improbable that a considerable amount of our nation's resources would go toward a relatively minor problem."

Wazir had eluded capture from government officials for some time. His fake ID website, id-chief.com, funnels money from college students directly to Al Qaeda insurgents in Pakistan. He has organized fundraisers billed as college nights with drink specials at numerous establishments, including White Horse and the bar formerly known as the Joshua Tree. Joshua Tree was recently forced into closure when a close associate of Wazir's, Paul Hussein Amamuhudan, was discovered using the driver's license of his older brother Khalid.

President Barack Obama himself, along with Vice President Joe Biden and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, viewed a live feed of the video in the Situation Room to make sure that Wazir and his underage college friends were apprehended.

"This is the first in a long war of the government against Al Qaeda and also college students drinking," Obama said in a televised national address. "Any underage persons who consume alcohol, and any bars or nations that harbor them, will be brought to justice."

Wazir is currently in custody at a CIA black site in the basement of Gasson Hall.

Clutch Freese Keeps Dreams of Winless Season Alive

Freese looks on in joy as he puts one just outside the uprights. 

Alumni Stadium -- With the hope of a losing record-shattering season, Superfans looked on in stunned silence as kicker Nate Freese, A&S '14, stepped up to the six-yard line in the final seconds of the Duke game. The world-renowned Blue Devils football squad had delivered an impressive surrender to Eagles quarterback Chase Rettig, A&S '14, when the team put their season's destiny in the legs of a surefire contender. With everything on the line, Freese misfired a beautiful spiral to the left goal post, ending the game but not the chance at being the first bottom-of-the-division team in history.

"Freese was really, superbly subpar out there," Rettig said. "He's the only guy on the team we can trust to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory."

The final score, 20-19 Duke, was also due in large part to Freese's earlier plays. Under great pressure to keep the team's streak going, he gave an errant extra-point kick in the first quarter.

The Eagles aim to continue their impressive run in a particularly difficult-to-lose match-up against the perennially unranked University of Massachusetts.

How the Leahy Stole the Fall Concert (A Poem)

How the Leahy Stole the Fall Concert

by Dr. Proust

Every brew in Chestnut Hill likes concerts a lot…
But the Leahy, who lived just north of Chestnut Hill, did NOT!
The Leahy hated concerts! Each concert season!
Now please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn’t covered in hair.
It could be, perhaps, he fell down the Million Dollar Stairs.
But I think the most likely reason of all,
Was that his Ignacio bed was six feet too tall.

Whatever the reason he found in his pews,
He stood there on First Day, hating those brews,
Staring down from his belltower with a sour, Leahy frown,
At the brews held in hand while Montel made first down (bitch).

For he knew every brew in Chestnut Hill below,
Would be empty come rain or come snow.
“And they’re playing pong!” he snarled with a sneer,
“Tomorrow’s the fall concert and all they want is more beer!”
Then he growled, with Christian-rock guitar softly strumming.
“I MUST find some way to stop Gaga from coming!”
For Tomorrow, he knew, all the Heights girls and boys,
They’d wake up to pregame. They’d drink and enjoy!
And then! Oh the noise!
Oh the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That’s one thing he hated! The NOISE!
NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the brews, light and dark, would be downed in a feast.
And they’d feast! And they’d feast!
And they’d FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would feast on mango Ruby and beer-battered roast beast.
Which was, during Lent, something Leahy couldn’t stand in the least.

And THEN they’d do something he liked least of all!
Every brew in Chestnut Hill, the tall and the small,
Would be strewn close to together, with their drinkers’ arms swinging.
They’d stand iPhone in hand. And then Gaga would start singing!
She’d sing! And she’d sing!
And she’d SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more the Leahy thought of this Gaga girl sing,
The more the Leahy thought, “I must stop this whole thing!”
“Why for fifteen years I’ve put up with it now!”
“I MUST stop this Gaga from coming! But HOW?”

The he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE LEAHY GOT A WONDERFUL AWFUL IDEA!
“I know just what to do!” The Leahy laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Eagle beak and a fine down coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, “What a great Catholic sin!”
“With these wings and these talons, I’ll look just like Baldwin!”
“All I need is a wingman…” The Leahy looked round.
But, since eagles are endangered, there were none to be found.
Did that stop old Leahy? No! The priest simply said,
“If I can’t find a parrot, I’ll hire one instead!”
So he interviewed Rombalski. Then he took some clear thread,
And he kept his hand on the back of his head.

THEN his puppet said some lines in a sweet-sounding voice
About how for safety, there was no other choice.
Then the Leahy said, “Giddap!” And the notice went down,
Toward the dorms where the brews lay on ice, golden brown.
All the glasses were shelved. The kids didn’t dare.
All the brews were all hidden after a Res Life scare.
When he came to the first little dorm in the square.
“This is Keyes North,” the old Leahy hissed,
And he climbed to the third floor, empty bags in his fist.
Then he glanced through the peephole at a freshman quite pasty
But if the Vanderslicer could break in, then so could the Leahy
He heard an RA for a moment or two,
But punched in the code and strolled right on through.
Crawled under the bed where some Bud Lights sat in a row.
“This booze,” he grinned, “is the first thing to go!”

Then he slithered and slunk, a priest out of control.
Rummaging under the bed, taking all alcohol.
Patron! And Captain! Rolling Rock! Vikingfjord!
Colt 45! Mr. Boston! Schnapps! And Coors!

And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Leahy quite sneaky
Sent all the bags to his friends in St. Mary’s.
Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the kids’ Pabst!
He took the Evan Williams. He put them in Bapst!
He cleaned out that mini-fridge that Catholic sheister
Leahy even took their 750 of Jaegermeister.
Then he stuffed them all in his bag with glee.

“And NOW!” grinned Leahy, “To stop Long Island iced teas!”
And Leahy grabbed Honest Tea, and he started to chug
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, he didn’t see who
But it was Katie McBrew, who was not more deep than two.

Leahy had been caught by this freshman gab,
Who was in bed with a boy, violating co-hab.
She stared at Leahy and said “Baldwin, why?”
“Why are you taking our concert stash, why?”
But you know Father Leahy was so smart and so slick,
He thought up a lie and he thought it up quick!
“Why, my sweet little tot,” the fake Baldwin told,
“This beer is just too unsafe to hold.”
“So I’m taking it home to St.Mary’s, my dear.”
“I’ll drink it up there and you won’t down here.”
And his tale fooled the freshman. And he patted her head.
He gave her one sip of Christ’s blood and sent her to bed.
And when Katie McBrew went to bed with the cup,
He went out the door and took all the booze up!

Then the last thing he took was the small glass for their shots!
Then he walked down the hall, himself, the old snot.
On their walls he left nothing but the posters they got.
And the one speck of vodka left in the room,
Was in a bottle of Dasani that still would be consumed.
Then he did the same thing to the other students’ rooms.
Preventing any fun from being resumed.

IT was a quarter past nine, all the students still a-bed
All the brews, all the booze, clinking; heavy as lead.
He packed it up with the hookahs! The foam pads! The empties!
The pot! Extension cords! Condoms and R-rated movies!
Three thousand feet up! Up the rocky Heights,
He rode with his load up Million Dollar stair flights.
“Pooh pooh to the brews!” he was Jesuitly humming.
“They’re finding out now that no concert is coming!
They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!
They’ll glance at The Heights for a moment or two.
Then the kids of Chestnut Hill will all cry BOO HOO!
That’s a noise,” grinned Leahy, “That I simply MUST hear!”
So he paused. And the Leahy put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound coming over the campus.
Starting from Lower and rising in rumpus.
But the sound wasn’t sad! Why, this sounded merry!
It couldn’t be so! But it WAS merry, VERY!
He stared down at Chestnut Hill, Leahy popped his eyes.
Then he shook, what he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every brew in Chestnut Hill, the tall and the small,
Was being drank without a concert at all!
He HADN’T stop Gaga from coming, she came!
With Poker Face blasting she came just the same.
And Leahy, with his seldom-seen-face staring below,
Stood puzzling and puzzling “How could it be so?
It came without Smirnoff! It came without Jack!
It came without Miller, High Life or Lite, bottle or draught!

And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then Leahy thought of something he hadn’t before!
Maybe booze, can be bought in a store.
Natty or Rubinoff, so cheap there’s plenty more!

And what happened then? Well in Chestnut Hill they say,
Leahy’s bald head grew three hairs that day!
And the minute his heart didn’t quite feel so tight,
He shotgunned a beer in the bright morning light,
And he brought back the concert! And the brews stored in Bapst.
And he, HE HIMSELF, the Leahy, sipped on a Pabst.

Sophomore Includes Entire Resume in Email Signature

Yours truly,

Stephen Williams
Boston College
Carroll School of Management Class of 2013
Operations and Marketing, Theology double-major
Intern, Romney for America 2012
Vice President for Initiation - Sons of Saint Patrick
Treasurer - Boston College Pro-Life Club
Winner of the Rodney K. Davis Award for Humility in Electronic Communications

Newton Pulling Out All the Fucking Stops

Newton Campus -- Resident Director Manuel Farimo, who oversees Boston College's freshman campus, promises a really fucking sweet blowout for this year's incoming class. "People say Upper is better, I say shut up faggots! We have lawns here," he said amid laughter. Events include a mandatory floor meeting that will have some "really spiritual shit," flame-eating resident assistants, and an unfathomably short commute on a futuristic high-speed rail line to the actual university. "And we have the famous Stuart grilled cheese. Need I go on?" he concluded rhetorically. Additionally, the 1970s gym the "Quonset Hut" will be renamed the "Quiznos Hut" to reflect that campus' more obese, socially awkward demographic.

Alumnus Still On Campus

Chestnut Hill -- Despite having graduated almost 28 months ago, unemployed former student Barry Truck, A&S '10, still finds the time to hang out by himself at the school he attended.

Truck makes the three-minute commute from his off-campus apartment, the same in which he lived his junior year, to his alma mater, a journey that never fails to trigger an emotional reaction.

"I've been gone too long," he said Monday. "This place really brings back memories," he added, before taking up his usual far table in Hillside Cafe and opening his laptop.

Truck had a mediocre academic record, finishing in the bottom 25% of his peers, and aside from a few legendary stories of drinking bravado has little to show for his time at the university. But he enjoys exploring the campus.

"I can't believe they still have this!" he exclaimed, pointing to a particularly offensive epithet he penned on the O'Neill Library stalls his sophomore year. "It's like it was just yesterday I was making fun of that kid," he concluded, shaking his head all smiles.

"The other day I ran into James' [Donovan CSOM '10] little brother Rodney [Donovan A&S '12] who once came over my mod and hooked up with this freshman girl Melanie [Tresten LSOE '12]. Great seeing him again," he added.

The Register contacted Rodney Donovan and one-time crush Tresten, who reported that they still enjoy each other's occasional company but had never heard of Truck.

Truck also frequents the Plex and, on a few misty mornings, climbs the circular ramp up the Beacon St. garage to remember a sunrise that once was.

Popular Cheer Now "Eagles First Down Cunt!"

Alumni Stadium -- Disappointed with a lack of intensity among the Superfans, Orientation Leaders, following Baldwin the Eagle, taught incoming freshman students to cheer "Eagles, first down -- cunt!"

"This rhetorical change screams fury, honor, talent, and talons," said Allen Patrick, CSOM '12, an orientation leader responsible for the new version of the cheer.

"Saying 'bitch' at the end was just kind of flirty and not the right type of word for an aggressive heckling," he added.

OLs said that the cheer applies especially when the football team does something to warrant it, such as when they receive a first down by default as a result of a giving up a touchdown and returning a kickoff.

BC Begins 2015's Class Warfare with Master Plan

Chestnut Hill - Boston College administrators have come under fire from activists who argue that the university's policies for incoming freshman represent the boldest escalation in "a history of class warfare of the many against the few."

"What we need from this university is a commitment to protecting the rights of a minority of students against the tyranny of the majority," wrote Richard Peterson, A&S '12, who was joined by the Carroll School of Management and the Saint Thomas More Society in an Observer letter to the editor. Peterson is a leading advocate for the top 1% of all Americans

"We're being asked to sacrifice our liberties so that a few inner-city graduates can take a handout," he added.

Specifically, the university's need-blind admissions policy targets students whose families earn over $250,000 by making them pay their tuition up front as opposed to over a 30 year period for an ultimately higher sum.

"When you add the $20,000 a year my parents pay for a tailgating spot in the Mod lot, which traditional accounting methods ignore, we're really talking about double taxation," Peterson explained.

President Patrick Leahy, SJ, announced a plan to further curtail the freedoms of its least vulnerable demographic by requiring them to wear salmon-colored shorts for identification at all times.

Boat shoes are also part of the administration's mandated wardrobe. 

The Republicans take particular issue with "forced triples" for students unfortunate enough to land on Upper Campus their freshman year.

"It's forced relocation," Peterson said.

The Register obtained a top secret document, the "Master Plan," with disturbing revelations.

After their freshman year on Upper, the well-to-do will be packed like cattle into a D-line train and moved across town to Brighton, what opponents call a "concentration campus." Though they will live together in a suite, they will be singled out to individual bedrooms with private baths, complete with late-night delivery service from Corcoran Commons dining hall.

Resisters organized themselves into the Sons and Daughters of the Revolution, which struggles for a return to what the Founding Fathers dreamed of: a land in which charity takes the place of legislated socialism.

"Look at Stokes Hall -- do you think it would be coming along so smoothly if it wasn't financed by a donation from the Stokes family?" Peterson asked.

Peterson added that he hopes that by turning the corner on the Forbes' ranking that places BC low in racial and socio-economic integration, the university can avoid the Master Plan's dangerous path.

"If you want better integration, have more job-creating, entrepreneurial students," he said.

An affirmative action policy to increase the number of enterprising students would suffice, he proposed.