How the Leahy Stole the Fall Concert (A Poem)

It's the most wonderful time of the year, so we're bringing back this little number from our archives.
Yours truly,
Marcel

How the Leahy Stole the Fall Concert

by Dr. Proust

Every brew in Chestnut Hill likes concerts a lot…
But the Leahy, who lived just north of Chestnut Hill, did NOT!
The Leahy hated concerts! Each concert season!
Now please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn’t covered in hair.
It could be, perhaps, he fell down the Million Dollar Stairs.
But I think the most likely reason of all,
Was that his Ignacio bed was six feet too tall.

Whatever the reason he found in his pews,
He stood there on First Day, hating those brews,
Staring down from his belltower with a sour, Leahy frown,
At the brews held in hand while Montel made first down (bitch).

For he knew every brew in Chestnut Hill below,
Would be empty come rain or come snow.
“And they’re playing pong!” he snarled with a sneer,
“Tomorrow’s the fall concert and all they want is more beer!”
Then he growled, with Christian-rock guitar softly strumming.
“I MUST find some way to stop Gaga from coming!”
For Tomorrow, he knew, all the Heights girls and boys,
They’d wake up to pregame. They’d drink and enjoy!
And then! Oh the noise!
Oh the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That’s one thing he hated! The NOISE!
NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the brews, light and dark, would be downed in a feast.
And they’d feast! And they’d feast!
And they’d FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would feast on mango Ruby and beer-battered roast beast.
Which was, during Lent, something Leahy couldn’t stand in the least.

And THEN they’d do something he liked least of all!
Every brew in Chestnut Hill, the tall and the small,
Would be strewn close to together, with their drinkers’ arms swinging.
They’d stand iPhone in hand. And then Gaga would start singing!
She’d sing! And she’d sing!
And she’d SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more the Leahy thought of this Gaga girl sing,
The more the Leahy thought, “I must stop this whole thing!”
“Why for fifteen years I’ve put up with it now!”
“I MUST stop this Gaga from coming! But HOW?”

The he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE LEAHY GOT A WONDERFUL AWFUL IDEA!
“I know just what to do!” The Leahy laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Eagle beak and a fine down coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, “What a great Catholic sin!”
“With these wings and these talons, I’ll look just like Baldwin!”
“All I need is a wingman…” The Leahy looked round.
But, since eagles are endangered, there were none to be found.
Did that stop old Leahy? No! The priest simply said,
“If I can’t find a parrot, I’ll hire one instead!”
So he interviewed Rombalski. Then he took some clear thread,
And he kept his hand on the back of his head.

THEN his puppet said some lines in a sweet-sounding voice
About how for safety, there was no other choice.
Then the Leahy said, “Giddap!” And the notice went down,
Toward the dorms where the brews lay on ice, golden brown.
All the glasses were shelved. The kids didn’t dare.
All the brews were all hidden after a Res Life scare.
When he came to the first little dorm in the square.
“This is Keyes North,” the old Leahy hissed,
And he climbed to the third floor, empty bags in his fist.
Then he glanced through the peephole at a freshman quite pasty
But if the Vanderslicer could break in, then so could the Leahy
He heard an RA for a moment or two,
But punched in the code and strolled right on through.
Crawled under the bed where some Bud Lights sat in a row.
“This booze,” he grinned, “is the first thing to go!”

Then he slithered and slunk, a priest out of control.
Rummaging under the bed, taking all alcohol.
Patron! And Captain! Rolling Rock! Vikingfjord!
Colt 45! Mr. Boston! Schnapps! And Coors!

And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Leahy quite sneaky
Sent all the bags to his friends in St. Mary’s.
Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the kids’ Pabst!
He took the Evan Williams. He put them in Bapst!
He cleaned out that mini-fridge that Catholic sheister
Leahy even took their 750 of Jaegermeister.
Then he stuffed them all in his bag with glee.

“And NOW!” grinned Leahy, “To stop Long Island iced teas!”
And Leahy grabbed Honest Tea, and he started to chug
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, he didn’t see who
But it was Katie McBrew, who was not more deep than two.

Leahy had been caught by this freshman gab,
Who was in bed with a boy, violating co-hab.
She stared at Leahy and said “Baldwin, why?”
“Why are you taking our concert stash, why?”
But you know Father Leahy was so smart and so slick,
He thought up a lie and he thought it up quick!
“Why, my sweet little tot,” the fake Baldwin told,
“This beer is just too unsafe to hold.”
“So I’m taking it home to St.Mary’s, my dear.”
“I’ll drink it up there and you won’t down here.”
And his tale fooled the freshman. And he patted her head.
He gave her one sip of Christ’s blood and sent her to bed.
And when Katie McBrew went to bed with the cup,
He went out the door and took all the booze up!

Then the last thing he took was the small glass for their shots!
Then he walked down the hall, himself, the old snot.
On their walls he left nothing but the posters they got.
And the one speck of vodka left in the room,
Was in a bottle of Dasani that still would be consumed.
Then he did the same thing to the other students’ rooms.
Preventing any fun from being resumed.

IT was a quarter past nine, all the students still a-bed
All the brews, all the booze, clinking; heavy as lead.
He packed it up with the hookahs! The foam pads! The empties!
The pot! Extension cords! Condoms and R-rated movies!
Three thousand feet up! Up the rocky Heights,
He rode with his load up Million Dollar stair flights.
“Pooh pooh to the brews!” he was Jesuitly humming.
“They’re finding out now that no concert is coming!
They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!
They’ll glance at The Heights for a moment or two.
Then the kids of Chestnut Hill will all cry BOO HOO!
That’s a noise,” grinned Leahy, “That I simply MUST hear!”
So he paused. And the Leahy put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound coming over the campus.
Starting from Lower and rising in rumpus.
But the sound wasn’t sad! Why, this sounded merry!
It couldn’t be so! But it WAS merry, VERY!
He stared down at Chestnut Hill, Leahy popped his eyes.
Then he shook, what he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every brew in Chestnut Hill, the tall and the small,
Was being drank without a concert at all!
He HADN’T stop Gaga from coming, she came!
With Poker Face blasting she came just the same.
And Leahy, with his seldom-seen-face staring below,
Stood puzzling and puzzling “How could it be so?
It came without Smirnoff! It came without Jack!
It came without Miller, High Life or Lite, bottle or draught!

And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then Leahy thought of something he hadn’t before!
Maybe booze, can be bought in a store.
Natty or Rubinoff, so cheap there’s plenty more!

And what happened then? Well in Chestnut Hill they say,
Leahy’s bald head grew three hairs that day!
And the minute his heart didn’t quite feel so tight,
He shotgunned a beer in the bright morning light,
And he brought back the concert! And the brews stored in Bapst.
And he, HE HIMSELF, the Leahy, sipped on a Pabst.

In Focus: Mary Ann's Top Family Feud Answer "Dicks" Once Again

UGBC Senate Dissolves Judiciary, Makes Palpatine Emperor

The Undergraduate Empire of Boston College ushers in a new era of security and prosperity. 

Capitol Hall - The Undergraduate Government of Boston College's main deliberative body, the Senate, voted Thursday to dissolve the judicial branch and transfer all of its authorities to the President and Vice President of the organization. The move was the first in a package of government reforms designed to increase transparency and consolidate power against the Trade Federation.

The Judiciary had the responsibility of ensuring that all actions taken by the executive and legislative branches were in accordance with the UGBC constitution. But those efforts needlessly held up important legislation to wiretap individuals suspected of carrying out terror plots against McElroy Commons.

"We remember that FDR failed in his court-packing scheme," said Mike Kitlas A&S '12, UGBC President. "So we decided - instead of trying to add to the Court, why not just disband it completely?"

The bill also renames the executive branch the Cabinet, to better reflect its position as an advisory, non-binding augment to Presidential authority rather than a robust check or balance. Additionally, it changes the titles of president and vice president to President and Vice President, respectively, highlighting the importance of capital letters on our campus capitol.

The most radical move came in a separate piece of legislation, sponsored by Sen. Derek Lo A&S '12 of the Naboo System to create a new position called the Office of the Emperor and made a motion to elevate Sen. Todd Palpatine CSOM '13 to that position. The measure passed unanimously.

"Blood alone moves the wheels of history," Palpatine said in his opening remarks, adding that the existing Senate would be stripped of formal power.

"Now we can get on to the real work of government - concerts! All that stands in our way is rebel scum," he concluded.

As The Register went to press, UGBC had just burned down Maloney Hall and blamed it on the Jedi.

Boston Crackdown Follows Derber's Occupy Play

Program art for the play courtesy of a local artist named Rick.

Dewey Square -- After a riveting hour-long performance of Boston College sociology professor Charles Derber's new play, "You're Fired: What the 1% Have Planned for the 99%," Boston mayor Thomas Menino ordered all Occupy Boston protesters to get out of their camp. By midnight on Thursday, police had removed all the tents and arrested dozens.

The play, which was co-written by UMass Dartmouth professor Yale Magrass, explored a hypothetical future world where the 1% wages a genocidal campaign against "surplus populations" in a storyline that might make Thomas Malthus cringe. Students from Deber's American Economic Crisis and Social Change course donned unlikely costumes in a show featuring British accents and the ghost of C. Wright Mills.

"What we were trying to do in the play is highlight several of the important political goals of the movement,' Derber explained. "But I have to say my favorite part was wearing an Abraham Lincoln top hat and reading passages from The 18th Brumaire of Louis Napoleon."

Despite mayor Menino's dinner plans that evening, which prevented his attendance at the show, he sent along several staffers to report back on its themes. They ultimately deemed the play "poorly scripted" and "the nadir of the American Left," while also being "remarkably well-casted and attended."

In an interview with The Register, Menino expressed his frustration with the Occupy movement.

"Just when you think they were beginning to practically articulate political demands, they go and do something like this," he said, referring to Derber's play.

"Somewhere Arthur Miller is rolling over in his grave," he concluded.

Professor Charles Derber wrote and produced the play and starred as The Ghost of Karl Marx. 

NEC Not Thiefs, Also Not Funny

Dearest Readers,

As managing editor of The Boston College Register, I'd like to reiterate what was always apparent - The New England Classic did not plagiarize from our publication.

However, I would also like to reiterate that they are not funny and that this publication is still the most independent newspaper of Boston College.

Ever yours,
Marcel

New England Classic Imitates Register in Less Funny Manner

Running low on material, the paper turns to this one for ideas.

Chestnut Hill -- The New England Classic, which serves chips/pickles and occasionally humorous satirical pieces, took inspiration from The Boston College Register, the most independent news source of Boston College.

The original Register story, published August 23, 2011 as "Jimmy Fund Plans Walk of Shame," documented the ongoing efforts to raise awareness for cancer by marshaling regretful students.

The second piece, which appeared in Monday's issue of The Classic, is entitled "Charity walk of shame draws big support" and can be found here, at the bottom right corner of the page.

Additionally, The Classic has made threatening gestures to The Register before. Their comment:

 "BC Register,
You have been warnnnnned. There's only room for one satirical publication at this Jesuit, Catholic institution.
The New England Classic."

When pressed, the Classic provided this link of the earliest possible story on this concept, admitting that they at least survey a wide range of publications when considering stories. Marcel Proust, a famous English author, definitely does not count among his friends a few freshmen at Sewanee: The University of the South.

For readers to draw their own conclusions, select portions of each story are included, side by side, below:


Register: "All missing $20 bills, Veteran's Taxi cab fare, and priceless moments of intimacy will go toward saving lives."
NE Classic: "All proceeds from concessions and merchandise sales will be donated to purchasing better walking shoes for campus sluts." and "The money will be used to fund gonorrhea research on campus."

Register: "Entrants must wear the outfit they put on the previous evening. For girls, completing the 8 a.m. walk in stilettos and an ass-flattering skirt is encouraged, though participants may also opt for the subtle 'morning mascara' or 'sex hair' looks."
NE Classic: "“When we saw all the girls walking down Comm Ave every Sunday morning, heels in hand, we saw an unorganized pack of stray puppies, just looking for a home,” said Aaron Kettlehorn, who put the event together with his roommate. “They looked like they could be easily manipulated.”"

Register: "Fans who do not get laid will have the opportunity to cast judgment on those who do as they pass through the Mods, up the Million Dollar Stairs, across O'Neill Plaza and the former Dustbowl, to the probable finish line at Cheverus."
NE Classic: "Families of the walkers were thrilled by the show of charity."

Hitchens On Observer: "A Bunch of Fucking Fascists"

Hitchens encouraged BC students to "get over themselves and masturbate."

London -- Christopher Hitchens, famous social critic and proponent of atheism, was furious over a recent Observer story that blurred the line between news and opinion to the detriment of homosexuals.

"The high cost of attending a Jesuit institution, setting aside the financial burden, is having part of your daily routine be convincing people that you exist and demand respect," he said in an interview.

"These pen protector Catholic kids might as well have put on their arm bands and started marching their peers to the gas chamber with Wagner playing in the background," he added.

Hitchens, who is losing a battle with cancer, hopes to give a lecture at Boston College while he still has time. But he is not hopeful that the administration, with its commitment to academic freedom, would allow him to speak.

"This episode more than anything should convince young people of religion's utter lunacy," he concluded.

Hitchens also echoed his belief that women are not funny.

BREAKING: Hitchens dead 12/15/11

Observer Strikes Back with Biblical Citation

The Register is reprinting The Observer's response, without their permission:


"Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not intolerance, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.

And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not intolerance, I am nothing.

And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not intolerance, it profiteth me nothing.

Intolerance is patient, intolerance is kind; intolerance envieth not; intolerance vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things....

And now abideth faith, hope, and intolerance, these three; but the greatest of these is intolerance."


1 Corinthians 13, King James translation

Jesus Writes "Observer" Letter to the Editor on Love

Observer editors called Jesus a "smarmy know-it-all" and "not as fun as the Old Testament."

HEAVEN -- Jesus Christ, the simultaneous human son and incarnation of God Himself, penned a brief but devastating criticism of a recent Observer editorial. The Observer expressed frustration that "love" be extended in the forms of recognition of and brotherhood with homosexuals on Boston College's campus. Jesus, in response, wrote the following letter, which The Register obtained.

"Dear members of the Boston College Observer editorial board,

Love thy neighbor as thyself. There is no commandment greater than this.

Love,
Jesus."

The Observer declined to print Jesus' response.

In Focus: Father Leahy Unveils Glowing Ramrod Erection