How the Leahy Stole the Fall Concert (A Poem)

It's the most wonderful time of the year, so we're bringing back this little number from our archives.
Yours truly,
Marcel

How the Leahy Stole the Fall Concert

by Dr. Proust

Every brew in Chestnut Hill likes concerts a lot…
But the Leahy, who lived just north of Chestnut Hill, did NOT!
The Leahy hated concerts! Each concert season!
Now please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn’t covered in hair.
It could be, perhaps, he fell down the Million Dollar Stairs.
But I think the most likely reason of all,
Was that his Ignacio bed was six feet too tall.

Whatever the reason he found in his pews,
He stood there on First Day, hating those brews,
Staring down from his belltower with a sour, Leahy frown,
At the brews held in hand while Montel made first down (bitch).

For he knew every brew in Chestnut Hill below,
Would be empty come rain or come snow.
“And they’re playing pong!” he snarled with a sneer,
“Tomorrow’s the fall concert and all they want is more beer!”
Then he growled, with Christian-rock guitar softly strumming.
“I MUST find some way to stop Gaga from coming!”
For Tomorrow, he knew, all the Heights girls and boys,
They’d wake up to pregame. They’d drink and enjoy!
And then! Oh the noise!
Oh the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That’s one thing he hated! The NOISE!
NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the brews, light and dark, would be downed in a feast.
And they’d feast! And they’d feast!
And they’d FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would feast on mango Ruby and beer-battered roast beast.
Which was, during Lent, something Leahy couldn’t stand in the least.

And THEN they’d do something he liked least of all!
Every brew in Chestnut Hill, the tall and the small,
Would be strewn close to together, with their drinkers’ arms swinging.
They’d stand iPhone in hand. And then Gaga would start singing!
She’d sing! And she’d sing!
And she’d SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more the Leahy thought of this Gaga girl sing,
The more the Leahy thought, “I must stop this whole thing!”
“Why for fifteen years I’ve put up with it now!”
“I MUST stop this Gaga from coming! But HOW?”

The he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE LEAHY GOT A WONDERFUL AWFUL IDEA!
“I know just what to do!” The Leahy laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Eagle beak and a fine down coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, “What a great Catholic sin!”
“With these wings and these talons, I’ll look just like Baldwin!”
“All I need is a wingman…” The Leahy looked round.
But, since eagles are endangered, there were none to be found.
Did that stop old Leahy? No! The priest simply said,
“If I can’t find a parrot, I’ll hire one instead!”
So he interviewed Rombalski. Then he took some clear thread,
And he kept his hand on the back of his head.

THEN his puppet said some lines in a sweet-sounding voice
About how for safety, there was no other choice.
Then the Leahy said, “Giddap!” And the notice went down,
Toward the dorms where the brews lay on ice, golden brown.
All the glasses were shelved. The kids didn’t dare.
All the brews were all hidden after a Res Life scare.
When he came to the first little dorm in the square.
“This is Keyes North,” the old Leahy hissed,
And he climbed to the third floor, empty bags in his fist.
Then he glanced through the peephole at a freshman quite pasty
But if the Vanderslicer could break in, then so could the Leahy
He heard an RA for a moment or two,
But punched in the code and strolled right on through.
Crawled under the bed where some Bud Lights sat in a row.
“This booze,” he grinned, “is the first thing to go!”

Then he slithered and slunk, a priest out of control.
Rummaging under the bed, taking all alcohol.
Patron! And Captain! Rolling Rock! Vikingfjord!
Colt 45! Mr. Boston! Schnapps! And Coors!

And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Leahy quite sneaky
Sent all the bags to his friends in St. Mary’s.
Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the kids’ Pabst!
He took the Evan Williams. He put them in Bapst!
He cleaned out that mini-fridge that Catholic sheister
Leahy even took their 750 of Jaegermeister.
Then he stuffed them all in his bag with glee.

“And NOW!” grinned Leahy, “To stop Long Island iced teas!”
And Leahy grabbed Honest Tea, and he started to chug
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, he didn’t see who
But it was Katie McBrew, who was not more deep than two.

Leahy had been caught by this freshman gab,
Who was in bed with a boy, violating co-hab.
She stared at Leahy and said “Baldwin, why?”
“Why are you taking our concert stash, why?”
But you know Father Leahy was so smart and so slick,
He thought up a lie and he thought it up quick!
“Why, my sweet little tot,” the fake Baldwin told,
“This beer is just too unsafe to hold.”
“So I’m taking it home to St.Mary’s, my dear.”
“I’ll drink it up there and you won’t down here.”
And his tale fooled the freshman. And he patted her head.
He gave her one sip of Christ’s blood and sent her to bed.
And when Katie McBrew went to bed with the cup,
He went out the door and took all the booze up!

Then the last thing he took was the small glass for their shots!
Then he walked down the hall, himself, the old snot.
On their walls he left nothing but the posters they got.
And the one speck of vodka left in the room,
Was in a bottle of Dasani that still would be consumed.
Then he did the same thing to the other students’ rooms.
Preventing any fun from being resumed.

IT was a quarter past nine, all the students still a-bed
All the brews, all the booze, clinking; heavy as lead.
He packed it up with the hookahs! The foam pads! The empties!
The pot! Extension cords! Condoms and R-rated movies!
Three thousand feet up! Up the rocky Heights,
He rode with his load up Million Dollar stair flights.
“Pooh pooh to the brews!” he was Jesuitly humming.
“They’re finding out now that no concert is coming!
They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!
They’ll glance at The Heights for a moment or two.
Then the kids of Chestnut Hill will all cry BOO HOO!
That’s a noise,” grinned Leahy, “That I simply MUST hear!”
So he paused. And the Leahy put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound coming over the campus.
Starting from Lower and rising in rumpus.
But the sound wasn’t sad! Why, this sounded merry!
It couldn’t be so! But it WAS merry, VERY!
He stared down at Chestnut Hill, Leahy popped his eyes.
Then he shook, what he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every brew in Chestnut Hill, the tall and the small,
Was being drank without a concert at all!
He HADN’T stop Gaga from coming, she came!
With Poker Face blasting she came just the same.
And Leahy, with his seldom-seen-face staring below,
Stood puzzling and puzzling “How could it be so?
It came without Smirnoff! It came without Jack!
It came without Miller, High Life or Lite, bottle or draught!

And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then Leahy thought of something he hadn’t before!
Maybe booze, can be bought in a store.
Natty or Rubinoff, so cheap there’s plenty more!

And what happened then? Well in Chestnut Hill they say,
Leahy’s bald head grew three hairs that day!
And the minute his heart didn’t quite feel so tight,
He shotgunned a beer in the bright morning light,
And he brought back the concert! And the brews stored in Bapst.
And he, HE HIMSELF, the Leahy, sipped on a Pabst.

In Focus: Mary Ann's Top Family Feud Answer "Dicks" Once Again

UGBC Senate Dissolves Judiciary, Makes Palpatine Emperor

The Undergraduate Empire of Boston College ushers in a new era of security and prosperity. 

Capitol Hall - The Undergraduate Government of Boston College's main deliberative body, the Senate, voted Thursday to dissolve the judicial branch and transfer all of its authorities to the President and Vice President of the organization. The move was the first in a package of government reforms designed to increase transparency and consolidate power against the Trade Federation.

The Judiciary had the responsibility of ensuring that all actions taken by the executive and legislative branches were in accordance with the UGBC constitution. But those efforts needlessly held up important legislation to wiretap individuals suspected of carrying out terror plots against McElroy Commons.

"We remember that FDR failed in his court-packing scheme," said Mike Kitlas A&S '12, UGBC President. "So we decided - instead of trying to add to the Court, why not just disband it completely?"

The bill also renames the executive branch the Cabinet, to better reflect its position as an advisory, non-binding augment to Presidential authority rather than a robust check or balance. Additionally, it changes the titles of president and vice president to President and Vice President, respectively, highlighting the importance of capital letters on our campus capitol.

The most radical move came in a separate piece of legislation, sponsored by Sen. Derek Lo A&S '12 of the Naboo System to create a new position called the Office of the Emperor and made a motion to elevate Sen. Todd Palpatine CSOM '13 to that position. The measure passed unanimously.

"Blood alone moves the wheels of history," Palpatine said in his opening remarks, adding that the existing Senate would be stripped of formal power.

"Now we can get on to the real work of government - concerts! All that stands in our way is rebel scum," he concluded.

As The Register went to press, UGBC had just burned down Maloney Hall and blamed it on the Jedi.

Boston Crackdown Follows Derber's Occupy Play

Program art for the play courtesy of a local artist named Rick.

Dewey Square -- After a riveting hour-long performance of Boston College sociology professor Charles Derber's new play, "You're Fired: What the 1% Have Planned for the 99%," Boston mayor Thomas Menino ordered all Occupy Boston protesters to get out of their camp. By midnight on Thursday, police had removed all the tents and arrested dozens.

The play, which was co-written by UMass Dartmouth professor Yale Magrass, explored a hypothetical future world where the 1% wages a genocidal campaign against "surplus populations" in a storyline that might make Thomas Malthus cringe. Students from Deber's American Economic Crisis and Social Change course donned unlikely costumes in a show featuring British accents and the ghost of C. Wright Mills.

"What we were trying to do in the play is highlight several of the important political goals of the movement,' Derber explained. "But I have to say my favorite part was wearing an Abraham Lincoln top hat and reading passages from The 18th Brumaire of Louis Napoleon."

Despite mayor Menino's dinner plans that evening, which prevented his attendance at the show, he sent along several staffers to report back on its themes. They ultimately deemed the play "poorly scripted" and "the nadir of the American Left," while also being "remarkably well-casted and attended."

In an interview with The Register, Menino expressed his frustration with the Occupy movement.

"Just when you think they were beginning to practically articulate political demands, they go and do something like this," he said, referring to Derber's play.

"Somewhere Arthur Miller is rolling over in his grave," he concluded.

Professor Charles Derber wrote and produced the play and starred as The Ghost of Karl Marx. 

NEC Not Thiefs, Also Not Funny

Dearest Readers,

As managing editor of The Boston College Register, I'd like to reiterate what was always apparent - The New England Classic did not plagiarize from our publication.

However, I would also like to reiterate that they are not funny and that this publication is still the most independent newspaper of Boston College.

Ever yours,
Marcel

New England Classic Imitates Register in Less Funny Manner

Running low on material, the paper turns to this one for ideas.

Chestnut Hill -- The New England Classic, which serves chips/pickles and occasionally humorous satirical pieces, took inspiration from The Boston College Register, the most independent news source of Boston College.

The original Register story, published August 23, 2011 as "Jimmy Fund Plans Walk of Shame," documented the ongoing efforts to raise awareness for cancer by marshaling regretful students.

The second piece, which appeared in Monday's issue of The Classic, is entitled "Charity walk of shame draws big support" and can be found here, at the bottom right corner of the page.

Additionally, The Classic has made threatening gestures to The Register before. Their comment:

 "BC Register,
You have been warnnnnned. There's only room for one satirical publication at this Jesuit, Catholic institution.
The New England Classic."

When pressed, the Classic provided this link of the earliest possible story on this concept, admitting that they at least survey a wide range of publications when considering stories. Marcel Proust, a famous English author, definitely does not count among his friends a few freshmen at Sewanee: The University of the South.

For readers to draw their own conclusions, select portions of each story are included, side by side, below:


Register: "All missing $20 bills, Veteran's Taxi cab fare, and priceless moments of intimacy will go toward saving lives."
NE Classic: "All proceeds from concessions and merchandise sales will be donated to purchasing better walking shoes for campus sluts." and "The money will be used to fund gonorrhea research on campus."

Register: "Entrants must wear the outfit they put on the previous evening. For girls, completing the 8 a.m. walk in stilettos and an ass-flattering skirt is encouraged, though participants may also opt for the subtle 'morning mascara' or 'sex hair' looks."
NE Classic: "“When we saw all the girls walking down Comm Ave every Sunday morning, heels in hand, we saw an unorganized pack of stray puppies, just looking for a home,” said Aaron Kettlehorn, who put the event together with his roommate. “They looked like they could be easily manipulated.”"

Register: "Fans who do not get laid will have the opportunity to cast judgment on those who do as they pass through the Mods, up the Million Dollar Stairs, across O'Neill Plaza and the former Dustbowl, to the probable finish line at Cheverus."
NE Classic: "Families of the walkers were thrilled by the show of charity."

Hitchens On Observer: "A Bunch of Fucking Fascists"

Hitchens encouraged BC students to "get over themselves and masturbate."

London -- Christopher Hitchens, famous social critic and proponent of atheism, was furious over a recent Observer story that blurred the line between news and opinion to the detriment of homosexuals.

"The high cost of attending a Jesuit institution, setting aside the financial burden, is having part of your daily routine be convincing people that you exist and demand respect," he said in an interview.

"These pen protector Catholic kids might as well have put on their arm bands and started marching their peers to the gas chamber with Wagner playing in the background," he added.

Hitchens, who is losing a battle with cancer, hopes to give a lecture at Boston College while he still has time. But he is not hopeful that the administration, with its commitment to academic freedom, would allow him to speak.

"This episode more than anything should convince young people of religion's utter lunacy," he concluded.

Hitchens also echoed his belief that women are not funny.

BREAKING: Hitchens dead 12/15/11

Observer Strikes Back with Biblical Citation

The Register is reprinting The Observer's response, without their permission:


"Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not intolerance, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.

And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not intolerance, I am nothing.

And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not intolerance, it profiteth me nothing.

Intolerance is patient, intolerance is kind; intolerance envieth not; intolerance vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things....

And now abideth faith, hope, and intolerance, these three; but the greatest of these is intolerance."


1 Corinthians 13, King James translation

Jesus Writes "Observer" Letter to the Editor on Love

Observer editors called Jesus a "smarmy know-it-all" and "not as fun as the Old Testament."

HEAVEN -- Jesus Christ, the simultaneous human son and incarnation of God Himself, penned a brief but devastating criticism of a recent Observer editorial. The Observer expressed frustration that "love" be extended in the forms of recognition of and brotherhood with homosexuals on Boston College's campus. Jesus, in response, wrote the following letter, which The Register obtained.

"Dear members of the Boston College Observer editorial board,

Love thy neighbor as thyself. There is no commandment greater than this.

Love,
Jesus."

The Observer declined to print Jesus' response.

In Focus: Father Leahy Unveils Glowing Ramrod Erection

High School Acquaintances Seen Over Thanksgiving

They never hung out in high school; why start now?

Home -- Several alumni of a local high school were spotted by fellow graduates who once knew them vaguely and still harbor feelings of indifference this weekend, sources say. When the gang reunited at a local bar on Black Friday, catching up and reminiscing over fond memories and warm Pabst Blue Ribbons, they avoided eye contact from the other group that was never really friendly.

"Yea, I saw Tom Johnson and Megan Thomas, but I didn't really want to say hello," explained Joseph McIntyre, A&S '12. "Tom put on a lot of weight since high school," he added.

After bumping into an old member of the "cool kids" while ordering a rum and coke, McIntyre broke down and asked them where they were going to school and if they had seen anyone else from home this break. Additionally, he mentioned it was great to see them again and they should get lunch sometime after Christmas.

Sophomore's Life a Study in Compromise

O'Sullivan wanted to wear his blue shirt, but it was in the wash.

WALSH -- A recent study found the life of Boston College student Kyle O'Sullivan, A&S '14, to be the epitome of compromise.

"The analogy of choosing between a rock and a hard place is expressed no better than in O'Sullivan's melancholy, contradictory existence," said professor Richard Hawkins of the Lawrence Center for Decision-Making.

The panel of experts offered last Tuesday as a recent example of O'Sullivan's less than ideal options. When he got up in the morning, the only thing keeping him going was the hope for a Honey-Q chicken wrap from Corcoran Commons. Unfortunately, upon arrival, O'Sullivan discovered it was not on the menu and instead settled for a Magic Carpet Ride.

That seemed to spiral out of control throughout the week. When O'Sullivan woke to register for classes early Thursday, he was disappointed to find that the one class he really wanted to take, Feminisms, was closed. When his backup option, Peace or War, also filled up, he reluctantly resigned himself to getting Structures of the Universe out of the way.

Things seemed to brighten for O'Sullivan Friday. After receiving a surprise B+ on his history midterm, chatting with his mother for ten minutes, and beating his roommate in Madden '12, he was delighted to receive a text from classmate Melanie Carter, A&S '14, inviting him to a party that evening.

O'Sullivan decided to shower, dress up, and dash on cologne, knowing that Carter's best friend, Katie Thompson, CSOM '14, would be in attendance. The researchers note O'Sullivan's long-term crush for Thompson.

But when he arrived at the party, Thompson was already in the arms of another man. O'Sullivan wandered about for a bit making conversation and halfheartedly sipping on a lukewarm Natural Ice, occasionally glancing over at Thompson. Rallying himself, he struck up conversion with Sophia Pomillo, A&S '15, who was less attractive and not as funny as his true crush.

As he settled down Sunday afternoon to take stock of his life, O'Sullivan flipped on the television hoping to catch the Ravens game, but was instead stuck watching the Bengals.

Her Campus BC Possibly More Monumental than Suffrage, Experts Say

CHESTNUT HILL -- Scholars of feminism are calling Her Campus BC, the self-styled "online magazine for women," the most important development in the history of women's rights.

"When you stack up this blog's 'individualized content' against the great strides of gaining the right to vote, birth control to emancipate themselves from abusive relationships, and a Constitutionally protected right to privacy, it's not even close," said Mary B. Anthony, great-granddaughter of legendary suffragette Susan B. Anthony.

"My great-grandmother would be so proud that the conversation has changed from one that addresses the unfair advantages given to men over women to one that emphasizes pleasing men sexually," she explained.

The blog faced criticism this week after posting a satirical article from BrostonCollege.com.

In a letter addressing the controversy, editors Julianne Wojno and Katie Moran, both A&S '13, wrote, "We believe in empowering women."

Indeed, even a brief perusing of the web site confirms this statement. A recent breaking story, "10 Easy Ways To: Avoid Taking the Million Dollar Stairs," is a comprehensive, ten step guide to avoiding the rigmarole of pedestrian transportation. Critics were divided, however, on the fact that piggy-back rides placed at a lowly number seven, noting that it is a much more environmentally sustainable method than elevator usage.

More importantly, the magazine inculcates a positive, healthy view of college women. In another recent story, "It’s Saturday night and you have drunkenly found your way back to your room. You’re feeling pretty good about yourself since your fake eyelashes are still on and you avoided Late Night- Weekend Success!"

Indeed, Anthony notes that while in past generations, wages, educational attainment, and access to maternity leave were important measures of female autonomy, Her Campus BC is important for shifting standards to fashionable outfits, scoring hookups, and avoiding chicken tenders.

"I have a dream that women will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the content of their character but on the color of their skin under stress and fading mascara," Anthony said.

The blog is also important for breaking down common stereotypes men hold about women. "Things That Guys Don’t Understand: The Process of Getting Ready" is a treatise on the burden women have in bathing and dressing for evenings on the town, a gross injustice men do not suffer.

Architecture is another feature, with hard-hitting Pulitzer-entry pieces including "More Than Just a Statue: St. Ignatius of Loyola."

Her Campus BC's impact on journalism is sweeping. Rather than quote objective sources, editors invite frequent readers to be on a listserv group for frequent quotations. The age-old process of vetting sources and distributing them over a wide demographic variety stood in the way of easy female journalism for far too long.

But when sources are scarce, the editors frequently write about themselves. They also effortlessly obscure the demarcation between news and opinion in groundbreaking fashion, frequently shifting from first-person anecdote to objective fact to third-person quotation, a postmodern feat that would make Simone de Beauvoir proud.

In Focus: Noam Chomsky's Only Sweater

Chomsky's Homecoming pre-game lecture, Nov. 11, 2011.

Chomsky sporting a slightly different sweater at Robsham, Feb. 9, 2011.

Chomsky looking very 2011 at the Irish Hall, Feb. 12, 2009.

Sandusky in as BC Head Coach

Sandusky has considerable experience getting recruits despite a bad atmosphere.

Conte Forum -- In a press conference, Boston College Director of Athletics Gene DeFilippo introduced Jerry Sandusky as the new head coach of Eagles Football, ending a month-long search to replace embattled Frank Spaziani.

With the eagles soaring to their worst season in recent memory at 2-7, pressure was building inside the athletic administration to bring in a coach with a proven pedigree to win. Though Sandusky never headed a program on his own, he coached the Penn State Nittany Lions to numerous bowl games and established them as one of the nation's premier franchises.

"Frank [Spanziani] gave us years of loyal service, but it was time for a change," explained DeFilippo. "We want a head coach who's gonna give it to them on the field, give it to them off the field, and basically leave them sore for weeks, and we believe Sandusky is that candidate."

"We're really excited we were able to jump on him when no one was looking," he added.

Sandusky was recently indicted on over 40 counts of sexual assault, corruption of minors, and endangering the welfare of children. Specifically, charges stem to an incident in which he was caught visibly engaging in intercourse with a 10-year-old boy. But analysts say the move makes sense.

"Basically what you have is a chicken coming home to roost. What better place for a pederast rapist than the Catholic Church?" argued Skip Preston, an historian.

A shocked Spaziani reacts to the news of his replacement. 

Spaziani is expected to take a position in the Red Sox organization, the only clubhouse he couldn't possibly make worse.

BC Students for Sexual Health Rarely Have Sex

A typical BCSSH Friday night, alone.

Chestnut Hill -- Though Boston College Students for Sexual Health provide their peers with condoms, members note that the best method for protection against unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases is abstinence, which they practice.

"We're probably more consistent than the Bible pushing whores on campus," said Kristin Portabee, A&S '14. "It's really not fair when you think about [how they get laid more frequently than we do]."

Portabee said an ideal date would be a cool concert followed by an informative perusing of contraceptive brochures and a vigorous session of solo masturbation at night's end. But an ideal date would also have a partner, which for the moment is strictly hypothetical, Portabee added.

Despite their light resume of fornication, BCSSH members keep drawers full of dental dams and diaphragms in the hope of shagging Prince or Princess Charming. The club offers "Safe Sites," an underground den where anything goes except nudity for their benefit. Students feeling horny can stop by and pick up some free prophylactics when in a crunch, instead of the arduous commute to the 24/7 City Convenience.

Will Burns, A&S '15, explained that Safe Sites attracted him to join the organization.

"I thought, man, if I'm giving out condoms what a great way to get girls down to smooch into my bed," he explained. "I didn't predict that many of them already had partners in mind when they knocked on my door," he added regretfully.

Still, the group is finding other ways to get out the message and hopefully get some numbers. They offer a service for parties in which they provide solo cups, a box of flavored condoms, and fliers in return for an invitation to the party.

But for now, the club has safe sex, and their sex lives, firmly in hand.

The telling BCSSH logo reads "SOS."

Middle Schooler Finds Few Redcoats at Occupy Boston

Only a few of King George III's supporters still occupy the Bay Colony.

BOSTON -- There were few to no redcoats around the encampment of Occupy Boston, according to Tommy O'Malley, a 7th grader at Our Lady of Hope middle school in Dorchester.

O'Malley went with his mother to the tent city, armed with a textbook picture of the Boston Massacre and the story of Crispus Attucks. Unfortunately, only patriots wearing tri-cornered hats were detectable to the naked eye. But O'Malley suspected that there may still be loyalist forces hiding among their ranks.

"Benedict Arnold was a filthy lobsterback after all, so there are probably some here," he said, along with a summary of the Battle of Ticonderoga.

Instead, the setting was similar to descriptions O'Malley read of the first Thanksgiving, held in nearby Plymouth sometime in the mid-1600s. There were almost exclusively white people, sitting around eating vegetables and apparently very disheveled from the difficult process of settling a new nation and combating indigenous peoples.

O'Malley used this depiction of the Boston Massacre to track down the British regulars. 

"It's a very strange language these settlers are using, so it's probably a recreation of the Pilgrim's Olde English. They're also smoking pipes and wearing black clothes!" O'Malley deduced.

Most surprising was a large circular ceremony where several people screamed the words of their leader to the masses. But, O'Malley pointed out, this was probably around the same time as the Salem Witch Trials, so he wouldn't be surprised if a few of those people were burned at the stake.

Madden: "BC Needs More Points"

They're not a bad team when they're putting up numbers on the board.

Alumni Stadium -- Speaking to fans in an informal post-game interview, former NBC Sunday Night Football anchor John Madden noted strengths but also significant room for improvement for the Boston College Eagles going forward after their fourth loss.

"If you're Chase Rettig, you're going to want to get first downs, don't turn the ball over, and ultimately make big plays to set up touchdowns," he explained.

BC fell to Wake Forest, 27-19, in what will likely be the worst season in the school's history. Madden, however, sees hope for a big turnaround.

"Look you've got Montel Harris - he's a fast guy coming out of the backfield. That's why he's coming out of the backfield, because he's such a fast guy," Madden said.

On the October 1 Law School Admission Test, held the same day as the game, the answer to Madden's point would be that the statement "is the conclusion it itself seeks to justify."

Spaziani told reporters after the game that he was most concerned with the defense's ability to limit rushing yards. Madden disagrees.

"It's been said that offense wins games and defense wins championships, but in the end it all comes down to the points," he concluded.

Frank Spaziani Signs 2-Year Deal with Red Sox

Spaziani can't wait for more tough press conferences.

Boston -- Former Boston College Eagles football coach Frank Spaziani signed a 2-year, $2.6 million contract with the Boston Red Sox to become their assistant coach, Thursday. The Red Sox, who lost 20 out of 27 games this September, felt they had something to gain from a coach in an entirely different sport whose team will likely go 1-11 this season.

"Frank knows how to take proud franchises with winning seasons and get them off to historically poor starts," said Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein.

"He did manage a win in September, which is something we're looking for," he concluded.

In Focus: Observer Celebrates Hypocrisy with White Forest Cake

Observer Opposed to Designated Hitters, Desegregation

The Observer enjoys pre-1896 baseball rules and pre-Vatican II Catholicism.

Chestnut Hill -- The Observer, Boston College's semesterly opinionspaper, derided the American League and blacks for unfair advantages over the National League and whites, respectively, in its September 20th issue.

"Major League Baseball suffers from a great divide. It is a barrier that was erected in 1973 by the powers that be, and has stood tall and potent ever since," declared Mike Shameklis, A&S '15.

"But 38 years later, the National League still is not free. 38 years later, the life of the National League is still sadly crippled by the manacles of batting ninth and the chains of sacrifice bunts," he went on.

Shameklis argued that both leagues should be judged not by the power of their pitchers but by the content of their cleanup hitters.

Shameless concluded that because of Bud Selig's inability to change the sport, reform could only come from "the ballot or the bullet."

In a change of pace, The Observer also criticized a diversity-themed orientation video and organizations that promote solidarity among minority students.

"Who needs them?" asked Jonathan Linder, A&S '14, referring to "the blacks." 

Linder also describes himself in his biography as "skeptical of modern liberalism’s aspirations to reconstruct the natural inclinations of human beings" or as friends call him, a virgin.

He wrote that it would be absurd if he and his racially exclusive circle of friends were to form a White Student Forum, thus, the blacks should not be forming their own Black Student Union. 

"If the racial and cultural minorities want to be a part of a more homogenous culture, abandoning their clubs of racial and cultural self-obsession would enable us to have a real discussion," he suggested before attending a Sons of Saint Patrick meeting.

Linder also added, "it is absurd that the Black Student Forum has images of its members wearing 'I love black people' shirts. Not an ounce of intrinsic difference exists between whites and blacks."

The Register includes the photos below and as the most independent newspaper of Boston College, will let YOU decide if they are inherently offensive.

"Love thy neighbor, except if they are black," says The Observer to this 2007 photo of Black Family Weekend. 

Do the shirts read "I love black people?" YOU DECIDE!

BYOB Tailgate Sparsely Attended

There was no beer and also one girl in attendance.  

The Mods -- Friends who had high hopes of a blowout pre-game tailgate were disappointed when their invitation for guests to bring their own alcohol fell flat. Instead of following Boston College tradition and offering free Natty and grilling hotdogs and hamburgers, they instead drank beer that other people brought to them. Unfortunately, few Superfans made the trek over to the Mod, which by noon had about four attendees, including two people who did not live there. The hosts are planning a Sunday potluck dinner in which they cook nothing and a tailgate next weekend billed as BYOCH - bring your own corn hole.

Chobani Yogurt Makes Second Headline with This Story

The Heights has stock Chobani photos, just in case. 

Internet -- Chobani yogurt, a semi-popular dairy product among liberal dietary circles, is making its second headline ever with this story, just a few days after its first. The Heights, which prides itself as the independent newspaper of Boston College, included a front-page story about the Chobani Yogurt Recall of Late 2011, which has left thousands of spoiled college students without a key source of food snobbery. Though Chobani will be back on shelves next week, the several-day shortage might very well rank high on a list of historical issues of student concern, including low racial interaction, absence of contraceptives, and skyrocketing tuition.

SEAL Team 6 Captures Al-Qaeda #2 in Copperfield's Raid

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is shocked to see some 20-year-olds with beers.

Fenway -- The Navy SEAL Team 6, which killed Osama bin Laden and more recently suffered extensive losses in one of the deadliest Al Qaeda attacks ever in Afghanistan, turned their attention to domestic terrorism in a midnight raid on Copperfield's Bar. Acting on intelligence that Al-Sharif bin Wazir, the 19-year-old president of the Al Qaeda in America Drinking Club, was enjoying a $9 plastic cup of Natural Ice, 24 commandos surrounded the bar and detained Wazir and a number of his cohorts.

The operation, code-named "Operation Safe Campus" and co-sponsored by the Alcoholic Beverages Control Commission (or NAMBLA), was purported to be an effort to crack down on counterfeit forms of identification and underage consumption of alcohol, but a source who declined to be named indicated that there was simply no way so much attention could be paid to so insignificant of an issue.

"We're fighting two wars, we're still struggling economically, and the budgets of many state and local governments are facing severe cuts," the source explained, "so it's highly improbable that a considerable amount of our nation's resources would go toward a relatively minor problem."

Wazir had eluded capture from government officials for some time. His fake ID website, id-chief.com, funnels money from college students directly to Al Qaeda insurgents in Pakistan. He has organized fundraisers billed as college nights with drink specials at numerous establishments, including White Horse and the bar formerly known as the Joshua Tree. Joshua Tree was recently forced into closure when a close associate of Wazir's, Paul Hussein Amamuhudan, was discovered using the driver's license of his older brother Khalid.

President Barack Obama himself, along with Vice President Joe Biden and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, viewed a live feed of the video in the Situation Room to make sure that Wazir and his underage college friends were apprehended.

"This is the first in a long war of the government against Al Qaeda and also college students drinking," Obama said in a televised national address. "Any underage persons who consume alcohol, and any bars or nations that harbor them, will be brought to justice."

Wazir is currently in custody at a CIA black site in the basement of Gasson Hall.

Clutch Freese Keeps Dreams of Winless Season Alive

Freese looks on in joy as he puts one just outside the uprights. 

Alumni Stadium -- With the hope of a losing record-shattering season, Superfans looked on in stunned silence as kicker Nate Freese, A&S '14, stepped up to the six-yard line in the final seconds of the Duke game. The world-renowned Blue Devils football squad had delivered an impressive surrender to Eagles quarterback Chase Rettig, A&S '14, when the team put their season's destiny in the legs of a surefire contender. With everything on the line, Freese misfired a beautiful spiral to the left goal post, ending the game but not the chance at being the first bottom-of-the-division team in history.

"Freese was really, superbly subpar out there," Rettig said. "He's the only guy on the team we can trust to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory."

The final score, 20-19 Duke, was also due in large part to Freese's earlier plays. Under great pressure to keep the team's streak going, he gave an errant extra-point kick in the first quarter.

The Eagles aim to continue their impressive run in a particularly difficult-to-lose match-up against the perennially unranked University of Massachusetts.

How the Leahy Stole the Fall Concert (A Poem)

How the Leahy Stole the Fall Concert

by Dr. Proust

Every brew in Chestnut Hill likes concerts a lot…
But the Leahy, who lived just north of Chestnut Hill, did NOT!
The Leahy hated concerts! Each concert season!
Now please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn’t covered in hair.
It could be, perhaps, he fell down the Million Dollar Stairs.
But I think the most likely reason of all,
Was that his Ignacio bed was six feet too tall.

Whatever the reason he found in his pews,
He stood there on First Day, hating those brews,
Staring down from his belltower with a sour, Leahy frown,
At the brews held in hand while Montel made first down (bitch).

For he knew every brew in Chestnut Hill below,
Would be empty come rain or come snow.
“And they’re playing pong!” he snarled with a sneer,
“Tomorrow’s the fall concert and all they want is more beer!”
Then he growled, with Christian-rock guitar softly strumming.
“I MUST find some way to stop Gaga from coming!”
For Tomorrow, he knew, all the Heights girls and boys,
They’d wake up to pregame. They’d drink and enjoy!
And then! Oh the noise!
Oh the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That’s one thing he hated! The NOISE!
NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the brews, light and dark, would be downed in a feast.
And they’d feast! And they’d feast!
And they’d FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would feast on mango Ruby and beer-battered roast beast.
Which was, during Lent, something Leahy couldn’t stand in the least.

And THEN they’d do something he liked least of all!
Every brew in Chestnut Hill, the tall and the small,
Would be strewn close to together, with their drinkers’ arms swinging.
They’d stand iPhone in hand. And then Gaga would start singing!
She’d sing! And she’d sing!
And she’d SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more the Leahy thought of this Gaga girl sing,
The more the Leahy thought, “I must stop this whole thing!”
“Why for fifteen years I’ve put up with it now!”
“I MUST stop this Gaga from coming! But HOW?”

The he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE LEAHY GOT A WONDERFUL AWFUL IDEA!
“I know just what to do!” The Leahy laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Eagle beak and a fine down coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, “What a great Catholic sin!”
“With these wings and these talons, I’ll look just like Baldwin!”
“All I need is a wingman…” The Leahy looked round.
But, since eagles are endangered, there were none to be found.
Did that stop old Leahy? No! The priest simply said,
“If I can’t find a parrot, I’ll hire one instead!”
So he interviewed Rombalski. Then he took some clear thread,
And he kept his hand on the back of his head.

THEN his puppet said some lines in a sweet-sounding voice
About how for safety, there was no other choice.
Then the Leahy said, “Giddap!” And the notice went down,
Toward the dorms where the brews lay on ice, golden brown.
All the glasses were shelved. The kids didn’t dare.
All the brews were all hidden after a Res Life scare.
When he came to the first little dorm in the square.
“This is Keyes North,” the old Leahy hissed,
And he climbed to the third floor, empty bags in his fist.
Then he glanced through the peephole at a freshman quite pasty
But if the Vanderslicer could break in, then so could the Leahy
He heard an RA for a moment or two,
But punched in the code and strolled right on through.
Crawled under the bed where some Bud Lights sat in a row.
“This booze,” he grinned, “is the first thing to go!”

Then he slithered and slunk, a priest out of control.
Rummaging under the bed, taking all alcohol.
Patron! And Captain! Rolling Rock! Vikingfjord!
Colt 45! Mr. Boston! Schnapps! And Coors!

And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Leahy quite sneaky
Sent all the bags to his friends in St. Mary’s.
Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the kids’ Pabst!
He took the Evan Williams. He put them in Bapst!
He cleaned out that mini-fridge that Catholic sheister
Leahy even took their 750 of Jaegermeister.
Then he stuffed them all in his bag with glee.

“And NOW!” grinned Leahy, “To stop Long Island iced teas!”
And Leahy grabbed Honest Tea, and he started to chug
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, he didn’t see who
But it was Katie McBrew, who was not more deep than two.

Leahy had been caught by this freshman gab,
Who was in bed with a boy, violating co-hab.
She stared at Leahy and said “Baldwin, why?”
“Why are you taking our concert stash, why?”
But you know Father Leahy was so smart and so slick,
He thought up a lie and he thought it up quick!
“Why, my sweet little tot,” the fake Baldwin told,
“This beer is just too unsafe to hold.”
“So I’m taking it home to St.Mary’s, my dear.”
“I’ll drink it up there and you won’t down here.”
And his tale fooled the freshman. And he patted her head.
He gave her one sip of Christ’s blood and sent her to bed.
And when Katie McBrew went to bed with the cup,
He went out the door and took all the booze up!

Then the last thing he took was the small glass for their shots!
Then he walked down the hall, himself, the old snot.
On their walls he left nothing but the posters they got.
And the one speck of vodka left in the room,
Was in a bottle of Dasani that still would be consumed.
Then he did the same thing to the other students’ rooms.
Preventing any fun from being resumed.

IT was a quarter past nine, all the students still a-bed
All the brews, all the booze, clinking; heavy as lead.
He packed it up with the hookahs! The foam pads! The empties!
The pot! Extension cords! Condoms and R-rated movies!
Three thousand feet up! Up the rocky Heights,
He rode with his load up Million Dollar stair flights.
“Pooh pooh to the brews!” he was Jesuitly humming.
“They’re finding out now that no concert is coming!
They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!
They’ll glance at The Heights for a moment or two.
Then the kids of Chestnut Hill will all cry BOO HOO!
That’s a noise,” grinned Leahy, “That I simply MUST hear!”
So he paused. And the Leahy put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound coming over the campus.
Starting from Lower and rising in rumpus.
But the sound wasn’t sad! Why, this sounded merry!
It couldn’t be so! But it WAS merry, VERY!
He stared down at Chestnut Hill, Leahy popped his eyes.
Then he shook, what he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every brew in Chestnut Hill, the tall and the small,
Was being drank without a concert at all!
He HADN’T stop Gaga from coming, she came!
With Poker Face blasting she came just the same.
And Leahy, with his seldom-seen-face staring below,
Stood puzzling and puzzling “How could it be so?
It came without Smirnoff! It came without Jack!
It came without Miller, High Life or Lite, bottle or draught!

And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then Leahy thought of something he hadn’t before!
Maybe booze, can be bought in a store.
Natty or Rubinoff, so cheap there’s plenty more!

And what happened then? Well in Chestnut Hill they say,
Leahy’s bald head grew three hairs that day!
And the minute his heart didn’t quite feel so tight,
He shotgunned a beer in the bright morning light,
And he brought back the concert! And the brews stored in Bapst.
And he, HE HIMSELF, the Leahy, sipped on a Pabst.

Sophomore Includes Entire Resume in Email Signature

Yours truly,

Stephen Williams
Boston College
Carroll School of Management Class of 2013
Operations and Marketing, Theology double-major
Intern, Romney for America 2012
Vice President for Initiation - Sons of Saint Patrick
Treasurer - Boston College Pro-Life Club
Winner of the Rodney K. Davis Award for Humility in Electronic Communications

Newton Pulling Out All the Fucking Stops

Newton Campus -- Resident Director Manuel Farimo, who oversees Boston College's freshman campus, promises a really fucking sweet blowout for this year's incoming class. "People say Upper is better, I say shut up faggots! We have lawns here," he said amid laughter. Events include a mandatory floor meeting that will have some "really spiritual shit," flame-eating resident assistants, and an unfathomably short commute on a futuristic high-speed rail line to the actual university. "And we have the famous Stuart grilled cheese. Need I go on?" he concluded rhetorically. Additionally, the 1970s gym the "Quonset Hut" will be renamed the "Quiznos Hut" to reflect that campus' more obese, socially awkward demographic.

Alumnus Still On Campus

Chestnut Hill -- Despite having graduated almost 28 months ago, unemployed former student Barry Truck, A&S '10, still finds the time to hang out by himself at the school he attended.

Truck makes the three-minute commute from his off-campus apartment, the same in which he lived his junior year, to his alma mater, a journey that never fails to trigger an emotional reaction.

"I've been gone too long," he said Monday. "This place really brings back memories," he added, before taking up his usual far table in Hillside Cafe and opening his laptop.

Truck had a mediocre academic record, finishing in the bottom 25% of his peers, and aside from a few legendary stories of drinking bravado has little to show for his time at the university. But he enjoys exploring the campus.

"I can't believe they still have this!" he exclaimed, pointing to a particularly offensive epithet he penned on the O'Neill Library stalls his sophomore year. "It's like it was just yesterday I was making fun of that kid," he concluded, shaking his head all smiles.

"The other day I ran into James' [Donovan CSOM '10] little brother Rodney [Donovan A&S '12] who once came over my mod and hooked up with this freshman girl Melanie [Tresten LSOE '12]. Great seeing him again," he added.

The Register contacted Rodney Donovan and one-time crush Tresten, who reported that they still enjoy each other's occasional company but had never heard of Truck.

Truck also frequents the Plex and, on a few misty mornings, climbs the circular ramp up the Beacon St. garage to remember a sunrise that once was.

Popular Cheer Now "Eagles First Down Cunt!"

Alumni Stadium -- Disappointed with a lack of intensity among the Superfans, Orientation Leaders, following Baldwin the Eagle, taught incoming freshman students to cheer "Eagles, first down -- cunt!"

"This rhetorical change screams fury, honor, talent, and talons," said Allen Patrick, CSOM '12, an orientation leader responsible for the new version of the cheer.

"Saying 'bitch' at the end was just kind of flirty and not the right type of word for an aggressive heckling," he added.

OLs said that the cheer applies especially when the football team does something to warrant it, such as when they receive a first down by default as a result of a giving up a touchdown and returning a kickoff.

BC Begins 2015's Class Warfare with Master Plan

Chestnut Hill - Boston College administrators have come under fire from activists who argue that the university's policies for incoming freshman represent the boldest escalation in "a history of class warfare of the many against the few."

"What we need from this university is a commitment to protecting the rights of a minority of students against the tyranny of the majority," wrote Richard Peterson, A&S '12, who was joined by the Carroll School of Management and the Saint Thomas More Society in an Observer letter to the editor. Peterson is a leading advocate for the top 1% of all Americans

"We're being asked to sacrifice our liberties so that a few inner-city graduates can take a handout," he added.

Specifically, the university's need-blind admissions policy targets students whose families earn over $250,000 by making them pay their tuition up front as opposed to over a 30 year period for an ultimately higher sum.

"When you add the $20,000 a year my parents pay for a tailgating spot in the Mod lot, which traditional accounting methods ignore, we're really talking about double taxation," Peterson explained.

President Patrick Leahy, SJ, announced a plan to further curtail the freedoms of its least vulnerable demographic by requiring them to wear salmon-colored shorts for identification at all times.

Boat shoes are also part of the administration's mandated wardrobe. 

The Republicans take particular issue with "forced triples" for students unfortunate enough to land on Upper Campus their freshman year.

"It's forced relocation," Peterson said.

The Register obtained a top secret document, the "Master Plan," with disturbing revelations.

After their freshman year on Upper, the well-to-do will be packed like cattle into a D-line train and moved across town to Brighton, what opponents call a "concentration campus." Though they will live together in a suite, they will be singled out to individual bedrooms with private baths, complete with late-night delivery service from Corcoran Commons dining hall.

Resisters organized themselves into the Sons and Daughters of the Revolution, which struggles for a return to what the Founding Fathers dreamed of: a land in which charity takes the place of legislated socialism.

"Look at Stokes Hall -- do you think it would be coming along so smoothly if it wasn't financed by a donation from the Stokes family?" Peterson asked.

Peterson added that he hopes that by turning the corner on the Forbes' ranking that places BC low in racial and socio-economic integration, the university can avoid the Master Plan's dangerous path.

"If you want better integration, have more job-creating, entrepreneurial students," he said.

An affirmative action policy to increase the number of enterprising students would suffice, he proposed. 

UGBC Follows Hit Lip-Dub Video with Stop-Motion Rendition of "The Vagina Monologues"

Robsham - A year after the Undergraduate Government of Boston College's lip-dub version of Coldplay's "Viva la Vida" went viral,** the group is planning to release another crowd-pleaser, a stop-motion animated production of "The Vagina Monologues."

In contrast to past performances, which relied on actors speaking alone on stage, director Kathryn Chase, CSON '12, wants to take a different angle.

"What if we had the vaginas themselves speak, how would they sound?" she asked.

Working vaginal prototypes. An old vagina, left, and a younger vagina, right.

Using advanced claymation technology from movies such as "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," UGBC artists completed masterful clay vaginas, replete with movable labias and harrowing tales.

Sculptor Richard Edwards, A&S '14, used his past experience building a paper mache volcano to design a life-like episode of menstruation.

"The hardest part is getting the vagina to simultaneously shed its youthful innocence as well as the lining of the uterine walls," he explained.

A UGBC official, who spoke on a condition of anonymity because he swore to uphold the secrecy of the group's next project, indicated that a made-for-TV movie was also in the works. The film, "Men in Black and Yellow," stars president Mike Kitlas A&S '12 as an alien-hunting secret agent and past vice president Pat Raab CSOM '12 as an extraterrestrial who eats freshman girls.



**About 30 minutes after this story went to print, UGBC took the original lip dub video down. This is why the Boston College Register is the most independent news source of Boston College.

Jimmy Fund Plans Walk of Shame

Hickeys or St. Patrick's Day temporary tattoos, either way. 

BOSTON - Facing a decline in the number of participants for the annual Boston Marathon Walk, the Jimmy Fund is planning a new event designed specifically for out of shape but still sexually active college students of the Boston area.

The first Jimmy Fund Walk of Shame course runs from whatever foreign bed you begin your morning, through the grilled chicken line in Corcoran Commons, to the Mod where you lost your phone, arriving finally in your room.

Director Allison Fabian explains the concept.

"Since the physical course will vary for each student, what ties them together is an emotional course, the level of thoughtful regret experienced on the way back to one's own bed. We think the idea of a guilty conscience is fitting for those who choose to participate in their own frivolities while millions suffer every year from cancer," she said.

Entrants must wear the outfit they put on the previous evening. For girls, completing the 8 a.m. walk in stilettos and an ass-flattering skirt is encouraged, though participants may also opt for the subtle "morning mascara" or "sex hair" looks. Wardrobe is less important for men, who can complete the walk with an outward projection of cocky bravado that belies an inward feeling of impotence and lingering hangover, Fabian stated.

Fans who do not get laid will have the opportunity to cast judgment on those who do as they pass through the Mods, up the Million Dollar Stairs, across O'Neill Plaza and the former Dustbowl, to the probable finish line at Cheverus.

Mitibaka Chariot, A&S '13, a transfer student from the University of Kenya-Santa Barbara, has high hopes of setting a course record with what coaches say is the world's briefest twinge of remorse.

Pete Russell CSOM '11 and Kaylee Dougherty A&S '12, far left, are unsure which of them will enter tomorrow.

All missing $20 bills, Veteran's Taxi cab fare, and priceless moments of intimacy will go toward saving lives.

When asked if the Jimmy Fund would want to do this again some time, Fabian declined to take a stance.

"Let's just see where this goes," she said.

Hot Girl Maybe Attending

Mods - With move-in less than a week away, mod resident Jason Maher, CSOM '12, is already planning a massive party to ring in the new semester. With a clever name for his tailgating Facebook event (North by Northwestern) and invitations sent out to 500 of his closest acquaintances, he hopes to have the yard "banging."

Just hours after the event's virtual creation, 353 friends RSVP'd "attending" to the event and 24, including attractive student Jennifer Reilly, LSOE '13, replied "maybe attending."

Maher insists his intentions are "strictly Platonic." 

Maher first met Reilly six weeks into their General Chemistry course, when he finally mustered the courage to approach the blonde with a question about the midterm. Since then, they have run into each other at a party once and sometimes look the other way when passing through O'Neill Plaza.

Nevertheless, Maher has hope.

"I don't want to hook up with her, maybe I just want to get to know her better," he explained.

Upon learning that she may or may not attend his Saturday darty, he sent her a text reminding her of the time and location and encouraging her to come and bring as many friends as she wants.

"You know, maybe she forgot or just thinks I invited her by accident and didn't actually want her there," he rationalized.

The Register obtained Reilly's response by hacking into her cell phone:

"Oh sounds fun! I don't know what my plans are for this weekend yet, but when I do I'll let you know if I can make it," she wrote.

Privately, however, Reilly expressed incredulity at Maher's hospitality.

"Honestly, I know he just wants to get in my pants. He made eye contact with me once and asked me how my summer was going, which can only mean one thing," she said.

Meanwhile, Pat Tooley, A&S '15, the younger brother of one of Maher's friends, is attending and invited six of his freshman, male friends.

As The Register went to print, Reilly texted Maher the following message: "Hey sorry I couldn't make it today, but let me know when you're having another get together and I may be able to stop by!"

Whitey Bulger's Treasure Buried Somewhere in Mary Ann's

CLEVELAND CIRCLE - A search of the computers of infamous criminal mastermind James "Whitey" Bulger, just days after his arrest, named dive bar Mary Ann's as the site of a treasure trove of narcotics, gold bullion, and Tazo Tea, officials say.

"I guess that's the one place he least expected people to look," said FBI special investigator Thomas Price.

Authorities long suspected the watering hole of containing hidden secrets as a stunning R-O-Y-B-G-I-V rainbow broke just over the roof.

"Looks like the luck of the Irish has run out," Price added as he donned his sunglasses and hummed The Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again."

While the search for the mobster's hiding place was brief, the quest for where exactly his stash lays within Mary Ann's is difficult.

"We've taken apart the entire back wall and so far only found a few suspicious bottles marked 'Puerto Rican Rum' and a few 'sexy firewomen' editions of Penthouse magazine from the 1970s," said Sgt. Daniel O'Malley.

"Which represents the first association of firefighters and pussy in the history of fire or pussy," O'Malley added.

By far the most stunning discovery is the uncovering of an entire family living in the basement of Mary Ann's. 27-year-old Elizabeth Fritzl was kept there by her father, Josef, where he fathered three children with her against her will. None of the children had seen the light of day or encountered a single patron or bartender during their period of captivity. How they survived for seven years is unknown, but the bar's vending machines had been conspicuously empty from time to time, staff reported.

Fritzl, not to be confused with Whitey Bulger. 

While authorities are still piecing together the details of the Fritzl case, their focus is on finding Bulger's hidden gems. Harrison Ford, known for the Indiana Jones series, and Nicholas Cage of National Treasure were called in as special consultants, a move many see as a sign that the Holy Grail may be among the drugs and cadavers.

But that doesn't mean they're not satisfied with the work so far.

"I held up a photo of Jack Nicholson's character from The Departed for like three days in Los Angeles until we finally got the tip," Price said.

The photo that led to Bulger's arrest. 

Youk Mistaken for Sam Adams Guy

BOSTON- After a long hard day of going 1/3 with a walk, Red Sox third baseman Kevin Youkilis just wanted to enjoy an ironic drink at "Who's on First?" remembering brighter days on the other end of the diamond. But things started to go awry when he ordered a Sam Adams Summer Ale, in a tall glass -

"You know, not that blueberry shit," he instructed.

Kevin Youkilis sometimes thinks they're saying "Boooo."

Almost instantly, a group of Metro West 20-somethings three appletinis deep wearing pink David Ortiz jerseys approached him with screams that would make a 1963 Paul McCartney jealous.

"Oh my god! You're that guy from the Sam Adams commercials!!" they exclaimed.

Youkilis shook his head slightly before deciding to just go with it.

Bob Cannon, Sam Adams' master brewer, has personally never seen a Red Sox game. 

"Yeah that's me. Name's Sam," he introduced.

"O. M. G. Just like Sam Adams!!" giggled Jenny McCarthy, 26, of Dorchester.

"What a coincidence," added best friend in the world Alex Smith, 27, of West Roxbury.

"Yeah, you know, we like to have that warm, rich hoppy flavor that's been aged in a barrel made of Brazilian hickory bark for 10 months. Then we pour it over a tingler that releases the aroma of seasoned Bavarian spice balls, and stuff," he said.

Youkilis then rose, slammed his glass over the polished side of the bar, and stormed out. When asked to pay, he replied only "I'm the Greek God of Walks" and walked out of the establishment.

Teammate Dustin Pedroia was barred from entry by a bouncer who instantly knew something was up when the 5'3" ballplayer nervously handed him a Montana license.

MyBC Becomes Autonomous, Commits Widespread Electoral Fraud

CYBERSPACE - My BC, the darling little UGBC election web site of roughly three weeks of age, achieved complete autonomy early Monday morning just before polls opened.

Over the course of the day, the site saw "record" turnout of 12,592 votes, roughly 30% greater than the entire undergraduate student body. Mysteriously, David Lalonde and Ryan Tierney, who were eliminated from the race in the primaries, were beating the other candidates with 90% of the vote.

The Heights received additional reports of questionable campaign practices. Gangs of MJP supporters roamed through O'Neill Plaza in armed brigades. At least 6 orange t-shirts holding AK-47s opened fire on opposition supporters. The Heights endorsed Mike Joyce and Justin Portes earlier in the day.

The attacks come months after Al Dea supporters, released from a prisoner of war camp after being held captive for 15 months, stabbed 2 students in the Mods. 

"Supporters" of Mike Joyce load anti-tank shells into machine guns in O'Neill Plaza, on orders from My BC.

My BC issued a statement claiming responsibility for the attacks, along with demands for its own Facebook account and additional meal plan money from that girl who lives in Cheverus. The site blackmailed supporters into an armed crusade after threatening to remove students' access to the Agora Directory Search.

The web site also displayed apparently racial tactics, requiring AHANA students to take a Mandarin literacy test in order to proceed to the final vote. Seniors complained that the ballots were "too confusing" and "difficult to read."

Elections committee president Mike O'Hara, CSOM '11, reviewing My BC ballots for signs of fraud.

Peter Ward, A&S '11, explained his feelings.

"The web site forced me to open an additional tab, thereby meaning that I could not view the six other open tabs of streaming pornography," he said. "A hands-free voting system is preferable."

Leon Ratz, A&S '11, spoke on behalf of Amensty International in deploring the wave of violence and the efforts to block poll access.

"My BC has acted outside the authority of UN Security Council Resolution 483, a breach that demands immediate retaliation from the Agora Portal - Blackboard Vista alliance," he said. "For peace to prevail, we need a successful disarmament of the site."

As The Register went to print, the ticket of Sawyer-Cox from last election narrowly took the lead.

Mike Joyce Closes Popular Pastry Shop

The lights will go out over Mike's Pastry for the remainder of the campaign.

BOSTON - Monday - As the UGBC election day dawned, Mike Joyce announced a temporary suspension of his renowned baked goods store to devote more time to his campaign.

"My emphasis from the beginning has been a well-rounded individual, but the constant stream of ricotta  has robbed me of the time my constituents are desperately seeking," he said in a prepared statement.

Italian dessert specialist Niccolo Cakiavelli lended an expert's eye to the situation.

"We all love Napoleons, cream puffs, and those little round tarts topped with chopped fruit, but if we don't cut back as Americans we will eat ourselves into oblivion," he said.

One analyst called the move a "mistake" and "likely to backfire" among freshmen, who cling to the famous white cartons with blue script as they make their way home on Saturday afternoons on the B line.

In his tenure as executive pastry chef, Mike Joyce has catered to some of the world's most influential people, including former President Bill Clinton, Bono and the Edge, and United Nations Secretary Ban-Ki Moon.

The move disrupted plans for a possible Top Chef Boston, which was set to air alternatively from Mike's Pastry and one of the seven vaguely Asian cuisine choices inside Quincy Market. Contestants would have to prepare scallops wrapped in bacon and whip up enough servings for a meeting of Appalachia volunteers.

If elected, Joyce pledged to eventually reopen Mike's Pastry in a new location.

"The bottom floor of O'Neill Library is the perfect spot for a franchise branch," he said.

Vitriolic Campaign Rhetoric Ends in Snowballing of 16 Outside Hillside

21 CAMPANELLA WAY - The heated mudslinging of this year's UGBC elections turned frozen as a lone "snowman" unloaded a bag of perfectly spherical snowballs upon Vice Presidential candidate Justin Portes and his constituents, striking 16 in all. Numerous bystanders suffered ice in the breeze, chills, and rosy cheeks from snow shrapnel.

The crazed assasin's snowballs struck Portes and innocent civilians.

"At this point in time, we are all praying that Justin Portes and the other victims will recover fully," said Hannah Wilson, CSON '14. "I have just received word that Justin finished his first bowl of soup and may achieve a normal body temperature within the next few hours."

The slinger, Mike Terzick A&S '13, had a history of unstable wintertime behavior, including angelic snow patterns, erratic ice skating, and erotic snow art. Terzick had uploaded a rambling video on his blog set to 80s music that shows him describing how he built a 7 foot tall veinous male sex organ. Terzick signs his posts with the name "Dr. Snow."

Commentators such as Saul Trugman, CSOM '11, of The Heights opinion page, pointed to heated electoral speeches as the root cause behind the attacks.

"It's totalizing rhetoric that demonizes formation of the whole person and plays to the fears of ordinary students," Trugman wrote. "It's not hard to draw a line in the snow from the defacement of snow piles by the 'artists' of the former Domino-Lutfy campaign directly to the attacks."

Some critics are calling for stricter snow control laws.

"The availability of anyone to pick up the fluffy stuff off the ground and hurl it without restraint is not a freedom or Constitutional right, but an abhorrence to our campus safety," said Colin McTristen, an officer of the BCPD.

UGBC officials say intelligence points to the Revolutionary Government of Boston College as responsible for the attacks.

"The radical, anti-government movement is a known terrorist organization," said Micaela Mabida, UGBC President in a Heights letter to the editor. "We will pursue them to the ends of the earth. We will not tire, we will not falter, and we will not fail," she added.

"The only solution is to take more of our students on Snowjam. We need to play in the snow up there so we can be secure from it here," recommended Pete Wilson, a spokesman for Campus Recreation.