How the Leahy Stole the Fall Concert (A Poem)

It's the most wonderful time of the year, so we're bringing back this little number from our archives.
Yours truly,
Marcel

How the Leahy Stole the Fall Concert

by Dr. Proust

Every brew in Chestnut Hill likes concerts a lot…
But the Leahy, who lived just north of Chestnut Hill, did NOT!
The Leahy hated concerts! Each concert season!
Now please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn’t covered in hair.
It could be, perhaps, he fell down the Million Dollar Stairs.
But I think the most likely reason of all,
Was that his Ignacio bed was six feet too tall.

Whatever the reason he found in his pews,
He stood there on First Day, hating those brews,
Staring down from his belltower with a sour, Leahy frown,
At the brews held in hand while Montel made first down (bitch).

For he knew every brew in Chestnut Hill below,
Would be empty come rain or come snow.
“And they’re playing pong!” he snarled with a sneer,
“Tomorrow’s the fall concert and all they want is more beer!”
Then he growled, with Christian-rock guitar softly strumming.
“I MUST find some way to stop Gaga from coming!”
For Tomorrow, he knew, all the Heights girls and boys,
They’d wake up to pregame. They’d drink and enjoy!
And then! Oh the noise!
Oh the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That’s one thing he hated! The NOISE!
NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the brews, light and dark, would be downed in a feast.
And they’d feast! And they’d feast!
And they’d FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would feast on mango Ruby and beer-battered roast beast.
Which was, during Lent, something Leahy couldn’t stand in the least.

And THEN they’d do something he liked least of all!
Every brew in Chestnut Hill, the tall and the small,
Would be strewn close to together, with their drinkers’ arms swinging.
They’d stand iPhone in hand. And then Gaga would start singing!
She’d sing! And she’d sing!
And she’d SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more the Leahy thought of this Gaga girl sing,
The more the Leahy thought, “I must stop this whole thing!”
“Why for fifteen years I’ve put up with it now!”
“I MUST stop this Gaga from coming! But HOW?”

The he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE LEAHY GOT A WONDERFUL AWFUL IDEA!
“I know just what to do!” The Leahy laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Eagle beak and a fine down coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, “What a great Catholic sin!”
“With these wings and these talons, I’ll look just like Baldwin!”
“All I need is a wingman…” The Leahy looked round.
But, since eagles are endangered, there were none to be found.
Did that stop old Leahy? No! The priest simply said,
“If I can’t find a parrot, I’ll hire one instead!”
So he interviewed Rombalski. Then he took some clear thread,
And he kept his hand on the back of his head.

THEN his puppet said some lines in a sweet-sounding voice
About how for safety, there was no other choice.
Then the Leahy said, “Giddap!” And the notice went down,
Toward the dorms where the brews lay on ice, golden brown.
All the glasses were shelved. The kids didn’t dare.
All the brews were all hidden after a Res Life scare.
When he came to the first little dorm in the square.
“This is Keyes North,” the old Leahy hissed,
And he climbed to the third floor, empty bags in his fist.
Then he glanced through the peephole at a freshman quite pasty
But if the Vanderslicer could break in, then so could the Leahy
He heard an RA for a moment or two,
But punched in the code and strolled right on through.
Crawled under the bed where some Bud Lights sat in a row.
“This booze,” he grinned, “is the first thing to go!”

Then he slithered and slunk, a priest out of control.
Rummaging under the bed, taking all alcohol.
Patron! And Captain! Rolling Rock! Vikingfjord!
Colt 45! Mr. Boston! Schnapps! And Coors!

And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Leahy quite sneaky
Sent all the bags to his friends in St. Mary’s.
Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the kids’ Pabst!
He took the Evan Williams. He put them in Bapst!
He cleaned out that mini-fridge that Catholic sheister
Leahy even took their 750 of Jaegermeister.
Then he stuffed them all in his bag with glee.

“And NOW!” grinned Leahy, “To stop Long Island iced teas!”
And Leahy grabbed Honest Tea, and he started to chug
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, he didn’t see who
But it was Katie McBrew, who was not more deep than two.

Leahy had been caught by this freshman gab,
Who was in bed with a boy, violating co-hab.
She stared at Leahy and said “Baldwin, why?”
“Why are you taking our concert stash, why?”
But you know Father Leahy was so smart and so slick,
He thought up a lie and he thought it up quick!
“Why, my sweet little tot,” the fake Baldwin told,
“This beer is just too unsafe to hold.”
“So I’m taking it home to St.Mary’s, my dear.”
“I’ll drink it up there and you won’t down here.”
And his tale fooled the freshman. And he patted her head.
He gave her one sip of Christ’s blood and sent her to bed.
And when Katie McBrew went to bed with the cup,
He went out the door and took all the booze up!

Then the last thing he took was the small glass for their shots!
Then he walked down the hall, himself, the old snot.
On their walls he left nothing but the posters they got.
And the one speck of vodka left in the room,
Was in a bottle of Dasani that still would be consumed.
Then he did the same thing to the other students’ rooms.
Preventing any fun from being resumed.

IT was a quarter past nine, all the students still a-bed
All the brews, all the booze, clinking; heavy as lead.
He packed it up with the hookahs! The foam pads! The empties!
The pot! Extension cords! Condoms and R-rated movies!
Three thousand feet up! Up the rocky Heights,
He rode with his load up Million Dollar stair flights.
“Pooh pooh to the brews!” he was Jesuitly humming.
“They’re finding out now that no concert is coming!
They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!
They’ll glance at The Heights for a moment or two.
Then the kids of Chestnut Hill will all cry BOO HOO!
That’s a noise,” grinned Leahy, “That I simply MUST hear!”
So he paused. And the Leahy put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound coming over the campus.
Starting from Lower and rising in rumpus.
But the sound wasn’t sad! Why, this sounded merry!
It couldn’t be so! But it WAS merry, VERY!
He stared down at Chestnut Hill, Leahy popped his eyes.
Then he shook, what he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every brew in Chestnut Hill, the tall and the small,
Was being drank without a concert at all!
He HADN’T stop Gaga from coming, she came!
With Poker Face blasting she came just the same.
And Leahy, with his seldom-seen-face staring below,
Stood puzzling and puzzling “How could it be so?
It came without Smirnoff! It came without Jack!
It came without Miller, High Life or Lite, bottle or draught!

And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then Leahy thought of something he hadn’t before!
Maybe booze, can be bought in a store.
Natty or Rubinoff, so cheap there’s plenty more!

And what happened then? Well in Chestnut Hill they say,
Leahy’s bald head grew three hairs that day!
And the minute his heart didn’t quite feel so tight,
He shotgunned a beer in the bright morning light,
And he brought back the concert! And the brews stored in Bapst.
And he, HE HIMSELF, the Leahy, sipped on a Pabst.

In Focus: Mary Ann's Top Family Feud Answer "Dicks" Once Again

UGBC Senate Dissolves Judiciary, Makes Palpatine Emperor

The Undergraduate Empire of Boston College ushers in a new era of security and prosperity. 

Capitol Hall - The Undergraduate Government of Boston College's main deliberative body, the Senate, voted Thursday to dissolve the judicial branch and transfer all of its authorities to the President and Vice President of the organization. The move was the first in a package of government reforms designed to increase transparency and consolidate power against the Trade Federation.

The Judiciary had the responsibility of ensuring that all actions taken by the executive and legislative branches were in accordance with the UGBC constitution. But those efforts needlessly held up important legislation to wiretap individuals suspected of carrying out terror plots against McElroy Commons.

"We remember that FDR failed in his court-packing scheme," said Mike Kitlas A&S '12, UGBC President. "So we decided - instead of trying to add to the Court, why not just disband it completely?"

The bill also renames the executive branch the Cabinet, to better reflect its position as an advisory, non-binding augment to Presidential authority rather than a robust check or balance. Additionally, it changes the titles of president and vice president to President and Vice President, respectively, highlighting the importance of capital letters on our campus capitol.

The most radical move came in a separate piece of legislation, sponsored by Sen. Derek Lo A&S '12 of the Naboo System to create a new position called the Office of the Emperor and made a motion to elevate Sen. Todd Palpatine CSOM '13 to that position. The measure passed unanimously.

"Blood alone moves the wheels of history," Palpatine said in his opening remarks, adding that the existing Senate would be stripped of formal power.

"Now we can get on to the real work of government - concerts! All that stands in our way is rebel scum," he concluded.

As The Register went to press, UGBC had just burned down Maloney Hall and blamed it on the Jedi.

Boston Crackdown Follows Derber's Occupy Play

Program art for the play courtesy of a local artist named Rick.

Dewey Square -- After a riveting hour-long performance of Boston College sociology professor Charles Derber's new play, "You're Fired: What the 1% Have Planned for the 99%," Boston mayor Thomas Menino ordered all Occupy Boston protesters to get out of their camp. By midnight on Thursday, police had removed all the tents and arrested dozens.

The play, which was co-written by UMass Dartmouth professor Yale Magrass, explored a hypothetical future world where the 1% wages a genocidal campaign against "surplus populations" in a storyline that might make Thomas Malthus cringe. Students from Deber's American Economic Crisis and Social Change course donned unlikely costumes in a show featuring British accents and the ghost of C. Wright Mills.

"What we were trying to do in the play is highlight several of the important political goals of the movement,' Derber explained. "But I have to say my favorite part was wearing an Abraham Lincoln top hat and reading passages from The 18th Brumaire of Louis Napoleon."

Despite mayor Menino's dinner plans that evening, which prevented his attendance at the show, he sent along several staffers to report back on its themes. They ultimately deemed the play "poorly scripted" and "the nadir of the American Left," while also being "remarkably well-casted and attended."

In an interview with The Register, Menino expressed his frustration with the Occupy movement.

"Just when you think they were beginning to practically articulate political demands, they go and do something like this," he said, referring to Derber's play.

"Somewhere Arthur Miller is rolling over in his grave," he concluded.

Professor Charles Derber wrote and produced the play and starred as The Ghost of Karl Marx. 

Hitchens On Observer: "A Bunch of Fucking Fascists"

Hitchens encouraged BC students to "get over themselves and masturbate."

London -- Christopher Hitchens, famous social critic and proponent of atheism, was furious over a recent Observer story that blurred the line between news and opinion to the detriment of homosexuals.

"The high cost of attending a Jesuit institution, setting aside the financial burden, is having part of your daily routine be convincing people that you exist and demand respect," he said in an interview.

"These pen protector Catholic kids might as well have put on their arm bands and started marching their peers to the gas chamber with Wagner playing in the background," he added.

Hitchens, who is losing a battle with cancer, hopes to give a lecture at Boston College while he still has time. But he is not hopeful that the administration, with its commitment to academic freedom, would allow him to speak.

"This episode more than anything should convince young people of religion's utter lunacy," he concluded.

Hitchens also echoed his belief that women are not funny.

BREAKING: Hitchens dead 12/15/11

Observer Strikes Back with Biblical Citation

The Register is reprinting The Observer's response, without their permission:


"Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not intolerance, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.

And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not intolerance, I am nothing.

And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not intolerance, it profiteth me nothing.

Intolerance is patient, intolerance is kind; intolerance envieth not; intolerance vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things....

And now abideth faith, hope, and intolerance, these three; but the greatest of these is intolerance."


1 Corinthians 13, King James translation

Jesus Writes "Observer" Letter to the Editor on Love

Observer editors called Jesus a "smarmy know-it-all" and "not as fun as the Old Testament."

HEAVEN -- Jesus Christ, the simultaneous human son and incarnation of God Himself, penned a brief but devastating criticism of a recent Observer editorial. The Observer expressed frustration that "love" be extended in the forms of recognition of and brotherhood with homosexuals on Boston College's campus. Jesus, in response, wrote the following letter, which The Register obtained.

"Dear members of the Boston College Observer editorial board,

Love thy neighbor as thyself. There is no commandment greater than this.

Love,
Jesus."

The Observer declined to print Jesus' response.

In Focus: Father Leahy Unveils Glowing Ramrod Erection

High School Acquaintances Seen Over Thanksgiving

They never hung out in high school; why start now?

Home -- Several alumni of a local high school were spotted by fellow graduates who once knew them vaguely and still harbor feelings of indifference this weekend, sources say. When the gang reunited at a local bar on Black Friday, catching up and reminiscing over fond memories and warm Pabst Blue Ribbons, they avoided eye contact from the other group that was never really friendly.

"Yea, I saw Tom Johnson and Megan Thomas, but I didn't really want to say hello," explained Joseph McIntyre, A&S '12. "Tom put on a lot of weight since high school," he added.

After bumping into an old member of the "cool kids" while ordering a rum and coke, McIntyre broke down and asked them where they were going to school and if they had seen anyone else from home this break. Additionally, he mentioned it was great to see them again and they should get lunch sometime after Christmas.

Sophomore's Life a Study in Compromise

O'Sullivan wanted to wear his blue shirt, but it was in the wash.

WALSH -- A recent study found the life of Boston College student Kyle O'Sullivan, A&S '14, to be the epitome of compromise.

"The analogy of choosing between a rock and a hard place is expressed no better than in O'Sullivan's melancholy, contradictory existence," said professor Richard Hawkins of the Lawrence Center for Decision-Making.

The panel of experts offered last Tuesday as a recent example of O'Sullivan's less than ideal options. When he got up in the morning, the only thing keeping him going was the hope for a Honey-Q chicken wrap from Corcoran Commons. Unfortunately, upon arrival, O'Sullivan discovered it was not on the menu and instead settled for a Magic Carpet Ride.

That seemed to spiral out of control throughout the week. When O'Sullivan woke to register for classes early Thursday, he was disappointed to find that the one class he really wanted to take, Feminisms, was closed. When his backup option, Peace or War, also filled up, he reluctantly resigned himself to getting Structures of the Universe out of the way.

Things seemed to brighten for O'Sullivan Friday. After receiving a surprise B+ on his history midterm, chatting with his mother for ten minutes, and beating his roommate in Madden '12, he was delighted to receive a text from classmate Melanie Carter, A&S '14, inviting him to a party that evening.

O'Sullivan decided to shower, dress up, and dash on cologne, knowing that Carter's best friend, Katie Thompson, CSOM '14, would be in attendance. The researchers note O'Sullivan's long-term crush for Thompson.

But when he arrived at the party, Thompson was already in the arms of another man. O'Sullivan wandered about for a bit making conversation and halfheartedly sipping on a lukewarm Natural Ice, occasionally glancing over at Thompson. Rallying himself, he struck up conversion with Sophia Pomillo, A&S '15, who was less attractive and not as funny as his true crush.

As he settled down Sunday afternoon to take stock of his life, O'Sullivan flipped on the television hoping to catch the Ravens game, but was instead stuck watching the Bengals.

In Focus: Noam Chomsky's Only Sweater

Chomsky's Homecoming pre-game lecture, Nov. 11, 2011.

Chomsky sporting a slightly different sweater at Robsham, Feb. 9, 2011.

Chomsky looking very 2011 at the Irish Hall, Feb. 12, 2009.

BC Students for Sexual Health Rarely Have Sex

A typical BCSSH Friday night, alone.

Chestnut Hill -- Though Boston College Students for Sexual Health provide their peers with condoms, members note that the best method for protection against unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases is abstinence, which they practice.

"We're probably more consistent than the Bible pushing whores on campus," said Kristin Portabee, A&S '14. "It's really not fair when you think about [how they get laid more frequently than we do]."

Portabee said an ideal date would be a cool concert followed by an informative perusing of contraceptive brochures and a vigorous session of solo masturbation at night's end. But an ideal date would also have a partner, which for the moment is strictly hypothetical, Portabee added.

Despite their light resume of fornication, BCSSH members keep drawers full of dental dams and diaphragms in the hope of shagging Prince or Princess Charming. The club offers "Safe Sites," an underground den where anything goes except nudity for their benefit. Students feeling horny can stop by and pick up some free prophylactics when in a crunch, instead of the arduous commute to the 24/7 City Convenience.

Will Burns, A&S '15, explained that Safe Sites attracted him to join the organization.

"I thought, man, if I'm giving out condoms what a great way to get girls down to smooch into my bed," he explained. "I didn't predict that many of them already had partners in mind when they knocked on my door," he added regretfully.

Still, the group is finding other ways to get out the message and hopefully get some numbers. They offer a service for parties in which they provide solo cups, a box of flavored condoms, and fliers in return for an invitation to the party.

But for now, the club has safe sex, and their sex lives, firmly in hand.

The telling BCSSH logo reads "SOS."

Middle Schooler Finds Few Redcoats at Occupy Boston

Only a few of King George III's supporters still occupy the Bay Colony.

BOSTON -- There were few to no redcoats around the encampment of Occupy Boston, according to Tommy O'Malley, a 7th grader at Our Lady of Hope middle school in Dorchester.

O'Malley went with his mother to the tent city, armed with a textbook picture of the Boston Massacre and the story of Crispus Attucks. Unfortunately, only patriots wearing tri-cornered hats were detectable to the naked eye. But O'Malley suspected that there may still be loyalist forces hiding among their ranks.

"Benedict Arnold was a filthy lobsterback after all, so there are probably some here," he said, along with a summary of the Battle of Ticonderoga.

Instead, the setting was similar to descriptions O'Malley read of the first Thanksgiving, held in nearby Plymouth sometime in the mid-1600s. There were almost exclusively white people, sitting around eating vegetables and apparently very disheveled from the difficult process of settling a new nation and combating indigenous peoples.

O'Malley used this depiction of the Boston Massacre to track down the British regulars. 

"It's a very strange language these settlers are using, so it's probably a recreation of the Pilgrim's Olde English. They're also smoking pipes and wearing black clothes!" O'Malley deduced.

Most surprising was a large circular ceremony where several people screamed the words of their leader to the masses. But, O'Malley pointed out, this was probably around the same time as the Salem Witch Trials, so he wouldn't be surprised if a few of those people were burned at the stake.

Madden: "BC Needs More Points"

They're not a bad team when they're putting up numbers on the board.

Alumni Stadium -- Speaking to fans in an informal post-game interview, former NBC Sunday Night Football anchor John Madden noted strengths but also significant room for improvement for the Boston College Eagles going forward after their fourth loss.

"If you're Chase Rettig, you're going to want to get first downs, don't turn the ball over, and ultimately make big plays to set up touchdowns," he explained.

BC fell to Wake Forest, 27-19, in what will likely be the worst season in the school's history. Madden, however, sees hope for a big turnaround.

"Look you've got Montel Harris - he's a fast guy coming out of the backfield. That's why he's coming out of the backfield, because he's such a fast guy," Madden said.

On the October 1 Law School Admission Test, held the same day as the game, the answer to Madden's point would be that the statement "is the conclusion it itself seeks to justify."

Spaziani told reporters after the game that he was most concerned with the defense's ability to limit rushing yards. Madden disagrees.

"It's been said that offense wins games and defense wins championships, but in the end it all comes down to the points," he concluded.

Frank Spaziani Signs 2-Year Deal with Red Sox

Spaziani can't wait for more tough press conferences.

Boston -- Former Boston College Eagles football coach Frank Spaziani signed a 2-year, $2.6 million contract with the Boston Red Sox to become their assistant coach, Thursday. The Red Sox, who lost 20 out of 27 games this September, felt they had something to gain from a coach in an entirely different sport whose team will likely go 1-11 this season.

"Frank knows how to take proud franchises with winning seasons and get them off to historically poor starts," said Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein.

"He did manage a win in September, which is something we're looking for," he concluded.

BYOB Tailgate Sparsely Attended

There was no beer and also one girl in attendance.  

The Mods -- Friends who had high hopes of a blowout pre-game tailgate were disappointed when their invitation for guests to bring their own alcohol fell flat. Instead of following Boston College tradition and offering free Natty and grilling hotdogs and hamburgers, they instead drank beer that other people brought to them. Unfortunately, few Superfans made the trek over to the Mod, which by noon had about four attendees, including two people who did not live there. The hosts are planning a Sunday potluck dinner in which they cook nothing and a tailgate next weekend billed as BYOCH - bring your own corn hole.

Chobani Yogurt Makes Second Headline with This Story

The Heights has stock Chobani photos, just in case. 

Internet -- Chobani yogurt, a semi-popular dairy product among liberal dietary circles, is making its second headline ever with this story, just a few days after its first. The Heights, which prides itself as the independent newspaper of Boston College, included a front-page story about the Chobani Yogurt Recall of Late 2011, which has left thousands of spoiled college students without a key source of food snobbery. Though Chobani will be back on shelves next week, the several-day shortage might very well rank high on a list of historical issues of student concern, including low racial interaction, absence of contraceptives, and skyrocketing tuition.

SEAL Team 6 Captures Al-Qaeda #2 in Copperfield's Raid

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is shocked to see some 20-year-olds with beers.

Fenway -- The Navy SEAL Team 6, which killed Osama bin Laden and more recently suffered extensive losses in one of the deadliest Al Qaeda attacks ever in Afghanistan, turned their attention to domestic terrorism in a midnight raid on Copperfield's Bar. Acting on intelligence that Al-Sharif bin Wazir, the 19-year-old president of the Al Qaeda in America Drinking Club, was enjoying a $9 plastic cup of Natural Ice, 24 commandos surrounded the bar and detained Wazir and a number of his cohorts.

The operation, code-named "Operation Safe Campus" and co-sponsored by the Alcoholic Beverages Control Commission (or NAMBLA), was purported to be an effort to crack down on counterfeit forms of identification and underage consumption of alcohol, but a source who declined to be named indicated that there was simply no way so much attention could be paid to so insignificant of an issue.

"We're fighting two wars, we're still struggling economically, and the budgets of many state and local governments are facing severe cuts," the source explained, "so it's highly improbable that a considerable amount of our nation's resources would go toward a relatively minor problem."

Wazir had eluded capture from government officials for some time. His fake ID website, id-chief.com, funnels money from college students directly to Al Qaeda insurgents in Pakistan. He has organized fundraisers billed as college nights with drink specials at numerous establishments, including White Horse and the bar formerly known as the Joshua Tree. Joshua Tree was recently forced into closure when a close associate of Wazir's, Paul Hussein Amamuhudan, was discovered using the driver's license of his older brother Khalid.

President Barack Obama himself, along with Vice President Joe Biden and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, viewed a live feed of the video in the Situation Room to make sure that Wazir and his underage college friends were apprehended.

"This is the first in a long war of the government against Al Qaeda and also college students drinking," Obama said in a televised national address. "Any underage persons who consume alcohol, and any bars or nations that harbor them, will be brought to justice."

Wazir is currently in custody at a CIA black site in the basement of Gasson Hall.

Clutch Freese Keeps Dreams of Winless Season Alive

Freese looks on in joy as he puts one just outside the uprights. 

Alumni Stadium -- With the hope of a losing record-shattering season, Superfans looked on in stunned silence as kicker Nate Freese, A&S '14, stepped up to the six-yard line in the final seconds of the Duke game. The world-renowned Blue Devils football squad had delivered an impressive surrender to Eagles quarterback Chase Rettig, A&S '14, when the team put their season's destiny in the legs of a surefire contender. With everything on the line, Freese misfired a beautiful spiral to the left goal post, ending the game but not the chance at being the first bottom-of-the-division team in history.

"Freese was really, superbly subpar out there," Rettig said. "He's the only guy on the team we can trust to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory."

The final score, 20-19 Duke, was also due in large part to Freese's earlier plays. Under great pressure to keep the team's streak going, he gave an errant extra-point kick in the first quarter.

The Eagles aim to continue their impressive run in a particularly difficult-to-lose match-up against the perennially unranked University of Massachusetts.

How the Leahy Stole the Fall Concert (A Poem)

How the Leahy Stole the Fall Concert

by Dr. Proust

Every brew in Chestnut Hill likes concerts a lot…
But the Leahy, who lived just north of Chestnut Hill, did NOT!
The Leahy hated concerts! Each concert season!
Now please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn’t covered in hair.
It could be, perhaps, he fell down the Million Dollar Stairs.
But I think the most likely reason of all,
Was that his Ignacio bed was six feet too tall.

Whatever the reason he found in his pews,
He stood there on First Day, hating those brews,
Staring down from his belltower with a sour, Leahy frown,
At the brews held in hand while Montel made first down (bitch).

For he knew every brew in Chestnut Hill below,
Would be empty come rain or come snow.
“And they’re playing pong!” he snarled with a sneer,
“Tomorrow’s the fall concert and all they want is more beer!”
Then he growled, with Christian-rock guitar softly strumming.
“I MUST find some way to stop Gaga from coming!”
For Tomorrow, he knew, all the Heights girls and boys,
They’d wake up to pregame. They’d drink and enjoy!
And then! Oh the noise!
Oh the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That’s one thing he hated! The NOISE!
NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the brews, light and dark, would be downed in a feast.
And they’d feast! And they’d feast!
And they’d FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would feast on mango Ruby and beer-battered roast beast.
Which was, during Lent, something Leahy couldn’t stand in the least.

And THEN they’d do something he liked least of all!
Every brew in Chestnut Hill, the tall and the small,
Would be strewn close to together, with their drinkers’ arms swinging.
They’d stand iPhone in hand. And then Gaga would start singing!
She’d sing! And she’d sing!
And she’d SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more the Leahy thought of this Gaga girl sing,
The more the Leahy thought, “I must stop this whole thing!”
“Why for fifteen years I’ve put up with it now!”
“I MUST stop this Gaga from coming! But HOW?”

The he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE LEAHY GOT A WONDERFUL AWFUL IDEA!
“I know just what to do!” The Leahy laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Eagle beak and a fine down coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, “What a great Catholic sin!”
“With these wings and these talons, I’ll look just like Baldwin!”
“All I need is a wingman…” The Leahy looked round.
But, since eagles are endangered, there were none to be found.
Did that stop old Leahy? No! The priest simply said,
“If I can’t find a parrot, I’ll hire one instead!”
So he interviewed Rombalski. Then he took some clear thread,
And he kept his hand on the back of his head.

THEN his puppet said some lines in a sweet-sounding voice
About how for safety, there was no other choice.
Then the Leahy said, “Giddap!” And the notice went down,
Toward the dorms where the brews lay on ice, golden brown.
All the glasses were shelved. The kids didn’t dare.
All the brews were all hidden after a Res Life scare.
When he came to the first little dorm in the square.
“This is Keyes North,” the old Leahy hissed,
And he climbed to the third floor, empty bags in his fist.
Then he glanced through the peephole at a freshman quite pasty
But if the Vanderslicer could break in, then so could the Leahy
He heard an RA for a moment or two,
But punched in the code and strolled right on through.
Crawled under the bed where some Bud Lights sat in a row.
“This booze,” he grinned, “is the first thing to go!”

Then he slithered and slunk, a priest out of control.
Rummaging under the bed, taking all alcohol.
Patron! And Captain! Rolling Rock! Vikingfjord!
Colt 45! Mr. Boston! Schnapps! And Coors!

And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Leahy quite sneaky
Sent all the bags to his friends in St. Mary’s.
Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the kids’ Pabst!
He took the Evan Williams. He put them in Bapst!
He cleaned out that mini-fridge that Catholic sheister
Leahy even took their 750 of Jaegermeister.
Then he stuffed them all in his bag with glee.

“And NOW!” grinned Leahy, “To stop Long Island iced teas!”
And Leahy grabbed Honest Tea, and he started to chug
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, he didn’t see who
But it was Katie McBrew, who was not more deep than two.

Leahy had been caught by this freshman gab,
Who was in bed with a boy, violating co-hab.
She stared at Leahy and said “Baldwin, why?”
“Why are you taking our concert stash, why?”
But you know Father Leahy was so smart and so slick,
He thought up a lie and he thought it up quick!
“Why, my sweet little tot,” the fake Baldwin told,
“This beer is just too unsafe to hold.”
“So I’m taking it home to St.Mary’s, my dear.”
“I’ll drink it up there and you won’t down here.”
And his tale fooled the freshman. And he patted her head.
He gave her one sip of Christ’s blood and sent her to bed.
And when Katie McBrew went to bed with the cup,
He went out the door and took all the booze up!

Then the last thing he took was the small glass for their shots!
Then he walked down the hall, himself, the old snot.
On their walls he left nothing but the posters they got.
And the one speck of vodka left in the room,
Was in a bottle of Dasani that still would be consumed.
Then he did the same thing to the other students’ rooms.
Preventing any fun from being resumed.

IT was a quarter past nine, all the students still a-bed
All the brews, all the booze, clinking; heavy as lead.
He packed it up with the hookahs! The foam pads! The empties!
The pot! Extension cords! Condoms and R-rated movies!
Three thousand feet up! Up the rocky Heights,
He rode with his load up Million Dollar stair flights.
“Pooh pooh to the brews!” he was Jesuitly humming.
“They’re finding out now that no concert is coming!
They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!
They’ll glance at The Heights for a moment or two.
Then the kids of Chestnut Hill will all cry BOO HOO!
That’s a noise,” grinned Leahy, “That I simply MUST hear!”
So he paused. And the Leahy put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound coming over the campus.
Starting from Lower and rising in rumpus.
But the sound wasn’t sad! Why, this sounded merry!
It couldn’t be so! But it WAS merry, VERY!
He stared down at Chestnut Hill, Leahy popped his eyes.
Then he shook, what he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every brew in Chestnut Hill, the tall and the small,
Was being drank without a concert at all!
He HADN’T stop Gaga from coming, she came!
With Poker Face blasting she came just the same.
And Leahy, with his seldom-seen-face staring below,
Stood puzzling and puzzling “How could it be so?
It came without Smirnoff! It came without Jack!
It came without Miller, High Life or Lite, bottle or draught!

And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then Leahy thought of something he hadn’t before!
Maybe booze, can be bought in a store.
Natty or Rubinoff, so cheap there’s plenty more!

And what happened then? Well in Chestnut Hill they say,
Leahy’s bald head grew three hairs that day!
And the minute his heart didn’t quite feel so tight,
He shotgunned a beer in the bright morning light,
And he brought back the concert! And the brews stored in Bapst.
And he, HE HIMSELF, the Leahy, sipped on a Pabst.