Whitey Bulger's Treasure Buried Somewhere in Mary Ann's

CLEVELAND CIRCLE - A search of the computers of infamous criminal mastermind James "Whitey" Bulger, just days after his arrest, named dive bar Mary Ann's as the site of a treasure trove of narcotics, gold bullion, and Tazo Tea, officials say.

"I guess that's the one place he least expected people to look," said FBI special investigator Thomas Price.

Authorities long suspected the watering hole of containing hidden secrets as a stunning R-O-Y-B-G-I-V rainbow broke just over the roof.

"Looks like the luck of the Irish has run out," Price added as he donned his sunglasses and hummed The Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again."

While the search for the mobster's hiding place was brief, the quest for where exactly his stash lays within Mary Ann's is difficult.

"We've taken apart the entire back wall and so far only found a few suspicious bottles marked 'Puerto Rican Rum' and a few 'sexy firewomen' editions of Penthouse magazine from the 1970s," said Sgt. Daniel O'Malley.

"Which represents the first association of firefighters and pussy in the history of fire or pussy," O'Malley added.

By far the most stunning discovery is the uncovering of an entire family living in the basement of Mary Ann's. 27-year-old Elizabeth Fritzl was kept there by her father, Josef, where he fathered three children with her against her will. None of the children had seen the light of day or encountered a single patron or bartender during their period of captivity. How they survived for seven years is unknown, but the bar's vending machines had been conspicuously empty from time to time, staff reported.

Fritzl, not to be confused with Whitey Bulger. 

While authorities are still piecing together the details of the Fritzl case, their focus is on finding Bulger's hidden gems. Harrison Ford, known for the Indiana Jones series, and Nicholas Cage of National Treasure were called in as special consultants, a move many see as a sign that the Holy Grail may be among the drugs and cadavers.

But that doesn't mean they're not satisfied with the work so far.

"I held up a photo of Jack Nicholson's character from The Departed for like three days in Los Angeles until we finally got the tip," Price said.

The photo that led to Bulger's arrest.