Jimmy Fund Plans Walk of Shame

Hickeys or St. Patrick's Day temporary tattoos, either way. 

BOSTON - Facing a decline in the number of participants for the annual Boston Marathon Walk, the Jimmy Fund is planning a new event designed specifically for out of shape but still sexually active college students of the Boston area.

The first Jimmy Fund Walk of Shame course runs from whatever foreign bed you begin your morning, through the grilled chicken line in Corcoran Commons, to the Mod where you lost your phone, arriving finally in your room.

Director Allison Fabian explains the concept.

"Since the physical course will vary for each student, what ties them together is an emotional course, the level of thoughtful regret experienced on the way back to one's own bed. We think the idea of a guilty conscience is fitting for those who choose to participate in their own frivolities while millions suffer every year from cancer," she said.

Entrants must wear the outfit they put on the previous evening. For girls, completing the 8 a.m. walk in stilettos and an ass-flattering skirt is encouraged, though participants may also opt for the subtle "morning mascara" or "sex hair" looks. Wardrobe is less important for men, who can complete the walk with an outward projection of cocky bravado that belies an inward feeling of impotence and lingering hangover, Fabian stated.

Fans who do not get laid will have the opportunity to cast judgment on those who do as they pass through the Mods, up the Million Dollar Stairs, across O'Neill Plaza and the former Dustbowl, to the probable finish line at Cheverus.

Mitibaka Chariot, A&S '13, a transfer student from the University of Kenya-Santa Barbara, has high hopes of setting a course record with what coaches say is the world's briefest twinge of remorse.

Pete Russell CSOM '11 and Kaylee Dougherty A&S '12, far left, are unsure which of them will enter tomorrow.

All missing $20 bills, Veteran's Taxi cab fare, and priceless moments of intimacy will go toward saving lives.

When asked if the Jimmy Fund would want to do this again some time, Fabian declined to take a stance.

"Let's just see where this goes," she said.