Newton Pulling Out All the Fucking Stops

Newton Campus -- Resident Director Manuel Farimo, who oversees Boston College's freshman campus, promises a really fucking sweet blowout for this year's incoming class. "People say Upper is better, I say shut up faggots! We have lawns here," he said amid laughter. Events include a mandatory floor meeting that will have some "really spiritual shit," flame-eating resident assistants, and an unfathomably short commute on a futuristic high-speed rail line to the actual university. "And we have the famous Stuart grilled cheese. Need I go on?" he concluded rhetorically. Additionally, the 1970s gym the "Quonset Hut" will be renamed the "Quiznos Hut" to reflect that campus' more obese, socially awkward demographic.