Jill Long Gone; Kitlas Names Eisenhower to Ticket of Mike and Ike

Ike

Mike

BOSTON - In a stunning turn of events, UGBC presidential hopeful Mike Kitlas, CSOM '12, dumped running-mate Jill Long A&S '12 for former Supreme Allied Commander Dwight D. Eisenhower, who also served as the 34th President of the United States, to a dream ticket billed "Mike and Ike."


"Jill was a great wingman, but the new ticket reflects a shift in our platform from one of building community to one of Red Rageous and Tropical Typhoon," Kitlas said.

Analysts now predict growing momentum for the campaign, as early polling indicates a still-strong like for Ike.

Specifically, the combination of two of the most experienced candidates in recent memory should serve to persuade voters. Kitlas brought Kid Cudi and LMFAO to campus in the fall and Eisenhower masterminded the D-Day Invasion of Normandy that turned the tides of the largest armed conflict in history. Kitlas was recognized by National Geographic Magazine for Kids as a "National Young Inventor" and Eisenhower was recognized by France with the Legion of Honor for the liberation of Paris from Nazi rule.

Additionally, as executive director of Campus Entertainment for UGBC, Kitlas managed a budget of $230,000 and was the Cabinet Liaison for the Constitutional Convention. As President of the United States, Eisenhower oversaw a $25 billion expansion of the interstate system, deterred the Soviet Union from armed conflict, and used troops to support the integration of the Little Rock Nine.

Kitlas introduced Eisenhower at a rally in Devlin 008, followed by comments from Ike himself.

"Mike really has the leadership in hand to top the other hot tamales out there, but I do want to take a moment to warn students of the lingering dangers of the military industrial complex, which can influence so much of our policymaking," Eisenhower said.

When asked to comment about Mike Kitlas' supposed acceptance of a free dog from a campaign source, Eisenhower declined to comment.

The campaign's promotional candy.