VAG Scratched; Domino Leaves Campaign Trail to Take Position as Assistant Manager at O'Neill Cafe

O'NEILL LIBRARY - Wednesday - Two teams from the UGBC primary elections will be advancing for a showdown in the final election - Kitlas/Long and Joyce/Portes. David Lalonde and Ryan Tierney and their campaign of Vote Against Growth fell short, and students thought Nick Domino and Katrina Lutfy were not as big as originally anticipated.

"Let's face it, VAG dried up when it came to the votes, but we hope the other candidates take our message seriously," said Joe Pasquinelli, the campaign's unofficial spokesman, Heights columnist, and dapper model of gentleman's clothing.

Electoral political scientist and professor May Schlozmin offered her analysis.

"Voters were clear that when given a choice between platform A of sexual health reform, government transparency, and candidates from everyday backgrounds and platform B of dorm walks, continuing programs that already exist, and little to no progress on substantive issues, they preferred the latter," she said.

One of the biggest blows came to presidential hopeful Nick Domino, who thought he was a sure bet with his dreams of library lattes, touchscreen kiosks, and milkshakes in Corcoran Commons.

"For all those who wished to see the boundaries between chic cafe and cloistered academic setting torn down: the work goes on, the cause endures, the hope still lives, and the dream shall never die," he said in a concession speech.

The silver lining for Domino was that Mike Kitlas pledged that if elected, he would appoint his former opponent to oversee the bustling cappuccino machines in the basement of O'Neill Library.

The new and improved nighttime ambiance for Cafe O'Neill.

"Nick has done a lot of great work in the UGBC Senate, from passing the START treaty to limit nuclear weapons and promoting the DREAM Act to allow for bright futures for children of illegal immigrants. He is the most qualified Assistant Manager for the cafe one could think of," Kitlas said. "And he ran a great campaign... for me to poop on!"

A source from the Kitlas-Long campaign said that due to Domino's lack of experience doing any sort of menial labor, the position for cafe manager would be filled by Una, the popular McElroy register lady. 

When asked if he would make a similar pledge, Mike Joyce mentioned that Domino should take the time for a "closer walk with thy Lord" and reflect on his formation.