Vitriolic Campaign Rhetoric Ends in Snowballing of 16 Outside Hillside

21 CAMPANELLA WAY - The heated mudslinging of this year's UGBC elections turned frozen as a lone "snowman" unloaded a bag of perfectly spherical snowballs upon Vice Presidential candidate Justin Portes and his constituents, striking 16 in all. Numerous bystanders suffered ice in the breeze, chills, and rosy cheeks from snow shrapnel.

The crazed assasin's snowballs struck Portes and innocent civilians.

"At this point in time, we are all praying that Justin Portes and the other victims will recover fully," said Hannah Wilson, CSON '14. "I have just received word that Justin finished his first bowl of soup and may achieve a normal body temperature within the next few hours."

The slinger, Mike Terzick A&S '13, had a history of unstable wintertime behavior, including angelic snow patterns, erratic ice skating, and erotic snow art. Terzick had uploaded a rambling video on his blog set to 80s music that shows him describing how he built a 7 foot tall veinous male sex organ. Terzick signs his posts with the name "Dr. Snow."

Commentators such as Saul Trugman, CSOM '11, of The Heights opinion page, pointed to heated electoral speeches as the root cause behind the attacks.

"It's totalizing rhetoric that demonizes formation of the whole person and plays to the fears of ordinary students," Trugman wrote. "It's not hard to draw a line in the snow from the defacement of snow piles by the 'artists' of the former Domino-Lutfy campaign directly to the attacks."

Some critics are calling for stricter snow control laws.

"The availability of anyone to pick up the fluffy stuff off the ground and hurl it without restraint is not a freedom or Constitutional right, but an abhorrence to our campus safety," said Colin McTristen, an officer of the BCPD.

UGBC officials say intelligence points to the Revolutionary Government of Boston College as responsible for the attacks.

"The radical, anti-government movement is a known terrorist organization," said Micaela Mabida, UGBC President in a Heights letter to the editor. "We will pursue them to the ends of the earth. We will not tire, we will not falter, and we will not fail," she added.

"The only solution is to take more of our students on Snowjam. We need to play in the snow up there so we can be secure from it here," recommended Pete Wilson, a spokesman for Campus Recreation.