CHESTNUT HILL - February 8 - Amid the cheers and screams of an adoring electorate, candidates for the Undergraduate Government of Boston College presidency and vice-presidency laid out their new and improved platforms around the same old shit.
"We know our shit pretty well so that's what we're going to stick to," said vice presidential candidate Justin Portes, laying out a platform that includes continuing academic advising, having a concert in the fall and also one in the spring, shit like that.
"This is the cornerstone of what we're trying to do - education of the whole person," said Portes' number one man father Mike Joyce, S.J.
"That's like the smartest shit I've ever heard," said one voter, referencing the vaguely Ignatian campaign rhetoric.
"Think big," countered Nick Domino, announcing his presidential aspirations. Rejected slogans included Think Bigger, Think Biggest, Think Enormous.
Domino's partner Katrina Lutfy unveiled some really important shit, such as replacing the underutilized and boring BC to Boston program with a completely upgraded yet almost theoretically identical BC in Boston program.
The Domino-Lutfy campaign would not elaborate on some areas of their platform, which can be found online at their web site. The campaign gives important reasons for choosing them, such as "Did you see our blue igloo on the first day of campaigning?" and "4 huge words: Honest. Unique. Goal oriented. Experienced" (they think so big that extra words creep in there).
The shit really hit the fan when Mike Kitlas and Jill Long took center stage, explaining a ground-breaking platform that includes having more books in the library, placing fliers around the campus, and "creating a better atmosphere for lines" because nobody enjoys that shit anyway.
"I really like going to events, but I hate having to wait for them to begin," Kitlas noted.
Citing a lack of personal music players in the homogenized upper-middle-class Boston suburb, they also recommended playing background music at the Plex.
The campaign of David Lalonde and Ryan Tierney had more important shit to do than start campaigning and received scant attention from the smoke-filled rooms of typewriters at The Heights.
The Gavel plans to meet with the candidates for their next issue, scheduled for June of 2014, or whenever they get around to that shit.□
Inspiration for this story here.
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